Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
 
parfume
What do the following three people have in common:

- Celine Dion

- Donald Trump

- Antonio Banderas

No, they don't all have penises (like me, Trump lost his penis in a vicious bear attack in Vancouver in November 1989 - we were actually in the same tour group, but it was different bears).

And no, they are not the three people I'd most like to sleep with (but it's close - if you take out Celine Dion and put in Rod Stewart, that'd be my trifecta).

No, these three people all have a fragrance. For some reason, they believe that because of their celebrity status, people will buy their fragrance because people want to smell like them.

To me, there is no greater unintentional comedy in Hollywood than people putting out perfumes. I can not express how funny I find this, and most likely will fail miserably here in trying to do so, so maybe you should just stop reading and come back tomorrow. Asshole.

There is something about putting your name on a fragrance that is fascinating to me. How does this even work? Did Antonio Banderas' agent call him and say,

Agent: "Hey, Antonio, I have an idea that would really help your career. Are you ready for this? A fragrance. A fragrance that captures the essence, the raw sexuality and the Puerto Ricanness of Antonio Banderas. What do you think?"
Banderas: "I'm not Puerto Rican."
Agent: "Really?"
Banderas: "Yes."
Agent: "Well, you're something not American, right?"
Banderas: "You're fired, but I'm going to take the fragrance idea and run with it."

My roommate Brian and I saw the commercial for Antonio Banderas' "Spirit" earlier this week and it stopped us dead in our tracks. In it, Antonio walks onto a dance floor, mingles with some sexy ladies, and walks off. Antonio Banderas' "Spirit". Now I know what I'm getting everyone for Christmas.

[Actually, I was sort of dating a girl last year when commercials for Celine Dion's perfume started coming out. Her birthday was approaching and we had just started hooking up, so to avoid the seriousness of the "new girl birthday present" situation I got her the Celine Dion perfume as a joke (as well as another, real gift). She did not get the joke and shortly after we broke up. Last I heard, she was riding the rails somewhere in the Midwest, writing folk songs 'bout a lover with man boobies she had a ways back.]

As for Trump, well, despite the fact that we both lost our penises in horrifying bear attacks, we don't like each other much. I don't like him because I think he's a phony, and he doesn't like me because, long story short, I hit him with my car (well, it was a stolen car actually).

And his fragrance...good lord. The ads are being plastered all over men's magazines featuring him and his fiancée, Millennium. I can't speak for anyone else, but I can't say that I've ever thought to myself, "You know what? I really want to smell like Trump." However, I have thought to myself, "You know what? I really can't stand Koreans."

So, in order to further enhance my quasi-celebrity status, I am pleased to announce Jason Mulgrew's "Dick", the scent for men who have bad facial hair, bad intentions, small ambitions, and even smaller (or no) penises. A strong musk, it combines sagewood with a variety of deli meats and just a hint of semen. It's guaranteed to make you completely resistible to any woman that you meet, even if she is unconscious.

Jason Mulgrew's "Dick" - coming Spring 2005.



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