Everything is wrong with me
Friday, December 03, 2004
[Non-sports people: I'm sorry, but this post is about sports. I've been trying to keep it to a minimum and believe I've been doing a good job of this, but this news was too big to pass up. I've tried to make the post as non-sports person-friendly as possible, and I invite you to check it out. Or, come back on Monday. If not, what the fuck do I care? I'm fucking (quasi-)famous.]

Wait a minute - you're telling me that Barry Bonds has admitted to a grand jury that he used steroids? No, I don't believe you. It can't be. This is a joke, right? You're kidding, right?

You really think it's strange that a guy who at 28 in 1993 hit a career-high 46 homers shattered the single-season home run record eight years later with 73 at age 36?

(73 home runs at 36 years old? WTF?)

You're trying to tell me that these number breakdowns are not normal?

Ages 21 - 33: 31 home runs per season - one home run every 16.1 plate appearances
Ages 34 - 39: 49 home runs per season - one home run every 8.4 plate appearances (!)

You're also trying to tell me that after age 34 careers can't take off into rarified air without the help of performance-enhancing drugs? That men over 34 can't naturally increase their muscle mass (and the size of their head) exponentially? That very good numbers can't suddenly be made gaudy and awe-inducing without some serious juicing?


Ok, in case you can't tell, I'm laying the sarcasm on pretty thick. "Barry Bonds Used Steroids". What a "duh" headline. Tomorrow we'll probably see:

"Jason Mulgrew Eats Two Double Whoppers, Hershey Sundae Pie, Shits Self"


"Mulgrew Leaves Bar Alone, Eats Whole Pizza, Toddler"


"Jason Mulgrew Gets High, Beats Off In Shower, Shits Self"

Everyone knows that Barry Bonds was on steroids. Even animals know that Bonds was on 'roids. You could go back and time, grab a 15th century English peasant, transport him to the present and show him a picture of Bonds, and he'd say, "Damn, that mother fucker's on the juice! Look at his fucking head - it's huge!"

But apparently Barry didn't know he was taking steroids. This is my favorite part of this saga: Bonds' excuse that he didn't know that what he was taking was steroids. Come on - did he think it was cough medicine that was tripling the size of his biceps? Was it allergy meds that left him feeling all strong and cut, perhaps? "I didn't know" is the easiest excuse of all-time.

Ivan the Terrible: "I didn't know that beating and repeatedly stabbing my son could kill him."

Neville Chamberlain: "I didn't know Hitler would turn out to be such a dick."

Harry Truman: "I didn't know an atomic bomb could cause so much destruction."

My roommate Ben: "I didn't know I was going to get caught masturbating on Jason's bedroom floor."

My father: "I didn't know that by not going to his Little League games my son would turn into such an incredible pansy."

Me: "I didn't know that starting a blog would make me both unemployable and (even more) sexually undesirable."

So that's it: the jig is up, Bonds and Giambi juiced, and there's to be more name-dropping in the coming days. I'm not gonna get into the whole "black eye for the sport" thing, because you can read that on ESPN. Also, I don't really give a shit if it's a black eye for baseball. I'll still watch, and players and owners will still make millions.

What do I think of all this? It's fucking awesome. Steroids have done wonders for baseball. How great was it when Jose Canseco became the first 40-40 man? How many people cared about baseball until McGwire and Sosa showed up and started crushing baseballs? Isn't Barry's pursuit of the Babe and Hammerin' Hank great for the sport? Don't you think a steroid controversy is going to increase ratings two-fold?

I think Major League Baseball should legalize steroid use. The potential is astounding. We'd have three people hit 100 home runs in a season. Pitchers would be hitting 120+ mph on the radar gun. Bench-clearing brawls would turn into orgiastic "Braveheart"-esque battle scenes, with players routinely losing their lives.

(Could you imagine if Dom Zimmer charged at a juiced up Pedro? Pedro is already crazy as they come. If he were juiced, he would have ripped off Zimmer's head, ate his face, and shit down his neck. Awesome television.)

Can you imagine what legalized steroids would do to fantasy baseball? Sure, they'd be a lot of conversations like this:

Me: "Dude, put on Sportscenter."
My buddy John: "I can't, I'm not a home. Why?"
Me: "Well, Frank Thomas slid into second and collided with your Derek Jeter, Jeter mouthed off, and Frank Thomas murdered him, right there on the basepath."
John: "Are you fucking serious?"
Me: "Yup. So congrats on taking Jeter third round."
John: "God damn it. Frank Thomas - fucking murdering prick."

I can see it now - pre-draft scouting reports would look like:
Bret Boone looks to rebound from a pathetic year last year, his first clean year since 2000. Sources tell Fantasy Baseball Weekly that Boone has been doping up with a new, more powerful steroid, usually reserved for elephants who have had hip replacement surgery. Since he started using the drug in January, Boone has regained the twelve pounds he lost last year, and has added a total of twenty-one pounds to his 5'10" frame. Early indications are that his swing looks better than ever, and his competitive nature has been rekindled. According to teammate Jamie Moyer, "I think Bret's going to have a breakout year this year. He looks great, and he's really fired up. In last week's exhibition game against the Indians, a fan interfered with a foul ball Bret was chasing, and he got so pissed off he shot her in the heart - twenty-something times. When he was done, she looked a pile of ground beef. And this was only an exhibition game!"

Fantasy Baseball Weekly's prediction for Bret Boone: .364 average, 68 home runs, 163 RBI's, 2 first-degree murder charges, 3 second-degree murder charges, 12 manslaughter charges. We recommend you take him somewhere in the fifth round, ahead of Jeff Kent, but after Michael Young and Alfonso Soriano.
So in conclusion, bring on the 'roids. I don't see how anything bad could come from them, except I hear that they shrink your balls. This is why I personally don't take them, as I don't need any more shrinkage in that area. Seriously, my balls are like two peas on the end of spaghetti strings (thank you, I'll be here all night).

[Have a good weekend.]

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