Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
dropping the "quasi"
It's been about four or five months that the press began calling me an "internet quasi-celebrity" (and by "the press", I mean "me", and then under duress and through bribes my roommates and friends, and then, you know, a lot of other people).

I've been content with my title, and still am. Being an internet quasi-celebrity means that I can live my life in peace, but still enjoy a modicum of fame. For example, I can go to my local video store whenever I want and rent black-on-white gay porn without having it plastered all over the tabloids. I can drink myself into oblivion in any bar in NYC, stumble out into the streets and kick a stray dog before exposing myself without getting shit from my manager. And most of the times when I hit a woman no one hears about it, especially because most of the women I hit can't speak English anyway [too much?].

That is not to say that I don't enjoy the "fame" aspect of my minor celebrity status. Every once in a while, I'll be introduced to someone who reads the site and feel all warm and fuzzy inside when after a while they say, "Man, you stink in real life, but let me buy you a drink anyway." Many times I'll get emails from readers who recommend to me new and awesome porn sites. And of course, having this fame allows me to tell everyone woman I meet about it in the hopes of seeing how well-groomed their pubic region is, although this has not been successful to date.

But enjoying my internet quasi-celebrity status does not mean that I don't occasionally think of making a move to drop the "quasi-" from my title. I think this could be accomplished fairly easily. Below I have delineated five steps through which I think I can transform myself from a "quasi" to a full-fledged celebrity.

1) Make a sex tape.

People think that Pam Anderson started this phenomenon, but those with longer memories know that it was Rob Lowe who kicked it all off. Of course, Pam's made a much bigger splash, since, well, who wants to see Rob Lowe getting it on (confession: me, please)? Since then, we've seen Pam-Brett Michaels, Vince Neil-Janine, R. Kelly and an assortment of "women", shit - even Bam Margera has a sex tape (see it here - warning, not a work-friendly link - sent by Mark at http://spangler.allreal.net).

But Paris Hilton was the one who used the sex tape to her advantage. Two years ago, she was an unknown to anyone outside of NYC, and known only to those in NYC because of her Page Six "I'm stupid, drunk, rich, and hot" escapades. And today Barbara Walters has named her one of the most fascinating people of 2004.

[Now, I don't want my meaning to be misconstrued and have you all think that I believe Barbara Walters is the single determining factor of who or what is fascinating, but I have to ask: Paris Hilton, fascinating? Really? Hot, ok (though too thin and with too small boobs for me). Dumb but in a manipulative way, yes. Rich, very. But fascinating? Are you sure? Do you want to think about this some more?]

So I needs to get me a video camera and make me a sex tape. I dare not ask for volunteers without first saying that copious amounts of narcotics will be involved. And I don't use the word "copious" often, so you know I really mean it. I'm thinking something along the lines of a tastefully done shower scene, because when my body hair gets wet I look like Bigfoot and I just want the whole world to see it. However, this is open to discussion.

2) Start practicing kabbalah.

I know very little about kabbalah (or is it the kabbalah), other than it's a form of Jewish mysticism, everyone wears a red bracelet, and you're supposed to donate a lot of money to it, and, oh yeah, a lot of famous people do it. Sounds completely crappy to me. So I went to the Kabbalah Centre website and read:

Imagine if there was a miraculous source of power so profound, so powerful, it could totally heal and transform your life and genuinely change our world for the good - forever!

Ok, I'm listening. Keep going...

There is. It is called Kabbalah, and it is the oldest, most influential wisdom in all of human history.

Doesn't this sound like something Will Ferrell's James Lipton would say? "Kabbalah is so wonderful that it is like bowling a 300 game, meeting Jesus Christ, winning the lottery, and receiving oral sex for the entire female cast of 'Baywatch' rolled into one, and extended forever throughout time and space until the end of time and beyond and into infinite space forever."

Kabbalah reveals all the spiritual and physical laws that govern the cosmos and the human soul. It answers questions. It provides solutions. It unravels puzzles. It decipher codes.

What? "Physical laws that govern the cosmos"? Really? And it deciphers codes? Sheesh - I'll this time I've been Catholic all I've gotten is predatory priests and incredible feeling of guilt if I commit even the slightest offense, like lying or arson or the murder of two teenage boys in Laramie, Wisconsin in January of 1986.

It gives you practical tools to effect change. And, it creates order out of chaos. And, if that isn't enough, Kabbalah answers the ultimate questions of human existence: Who are we? Where did we come from? Why are we on this earth?

I spent the next twenty minutes on the website trying to find the answers to those questions, but I stopped when it started talking about a twenty-three volume book about "light" and requesting $20 for two classes I'd have to take to learn more.

But none of this matters - Kabbalah is hot right now. So, so hot. And if I want in to the celebrity party, well, sign me up for volume one.

3) Go to rehab.

Do I even need to talk about this? I'm planning on doing this this summer anyway, having filed the leave of absence papers with my employer just last week, regardless of celebrity (just...can't...stop...huffing...).

4) Get married and divorced quickly.

This is the one I'm most looking forward to. Those who know me know that I love weddings. Those who know me also know that I love to steal inconsequential things from friends' homes.

I don't have a particular person in mind for this whirlwind, drug-induced, six- to eighteen-week long marriage, but I do have some credentials:

1) She must be reasonably famous, and be willing to use another person to achieve more fame;
2) She will have no actual talent;
3) She will probably be foreign;
4) She may have a penis;
5) She will not be speaking with her parents;
6) She will have incredible breasts

If you or someone you know fits this description, my email address again is eiwwme@gmail.com.

5) Get about 1.2 million more people to read this site.

Dude, I'm working on it. Don't be such a douche.

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