Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, December 09, 2004
crime and punishment and the like
I've been watching a lot of "American Justice" and those type shows on A&E or Discovery or whatever, and man, they are riveting. I've learned a lot from these shows (other than Bill Curtis is an American treasure and he's definitely going to mc my wedding) about the law and how to break the law and how it always seems that dumb people commit murders.

What strikes me most about these dumb people is how they adamantly profess their innocence though they are obviously guilty:

Woman who killed husband after she found out he was having an affair with an 18 year-old girl: "You know, eight people say they saw me stabbing my husband Bill in the chest with a kitchen knife, but there are almost 3000 people in the county, so 8 out of 3000 ain't a lot. A lot of people didn't see me stabbing Bill. Over 2000 people in the county alone didn't see me stab Bill, and that's a fact. So I don't know about how they can convict me based on what 8 people say they saw me do."

Interviewer: "But what about the letter that you sent to twenty of your friends, inviting them to come to your home on April 19, 1994, the night of your husband's murder, in which you wrote, 'Please come to my house that night to say goodbye to Bill because I am going to murder him with a knife that night. Bring potato salad or pie.'"

Woman: "That was just a joke. My friends and I and Bill always joked like that. I mean, it's funny, ain't it?"

Bill Curtis Narration: "But the prosecution had a trick up their sleeve: in addition to the eyewitness testimony, they produced a tape from a security camera which showed Betty Hanson repeated stabbing her husband Bill. After the brutal stabbing, which was captured entirely on film, Betty looks at the camera and shouts, 'This is me, Betty Hanson. I just murdered my husband. My birthday is June 12, 1950, my social security number is 112-04-0875, my mother's maiden name is Demme, I love ponies and Hershey's syrup, and I just killed my husband. My fingerprints are everywhere too.' Despite this overwhelming evidence, Betty claims that she was framed."

Woman (Betty): "To be honest, I was framed. Or I was hypnotized. I'm not really sure, but you would be amazed at what science could do these days. But I am innocent. [staring off] Man, I wish I was smarter about killing my husband."

Hear me now - if I ever get convicted of a major crime (which should happen around May 2007), I'm not gonna go down without a fight. There will be a long, drawn out trial in which I will represent myself and do so without a shirt half the time, call as witnesses people who have nothing to do with the case but are famous people that I want to meet ("Your Honor, the defense calls to the stand Mr. Bruce Willis"), and give a closing argument that does not discuss the charges against me but rather extols the merits and many uses of hot dog relish.

And when I am found guilty for said crime I obviously committed, I will stand up and start a slow clap for the jury, congratulating them on their work and rightly adjudicating the case. How much more interesting would trials be if the defendant, after having been found guilty, said, "You know what? I did it. So whatever." Wouldn't it have been great to see Scott Peterson standing at the little table and yelling, "You're right - everyone one is right. I totally murdered her. C'mon - it's completely obvious!" (per AGU's insight)

So you can expect to hear me say when I'm found guilty, "Congratulations. You guys did a helluva job, and I admit, I did it. Provided I didn't know she was 8, but I thought she was 16, not 18, so I am guilty. And guess what? I'd do it again. I love you Li-Li! Not even death can keep us apart! And good luck on your geography test - remember, there are seven continents! Seven!"

Trial of the fucking century.


Because I can't keep a secret, there's gonna be some big changes 'round here pretty soon (which may or may not involve me having sex on film and putting the mini-movie on here for everyone to see). Stay tuned...

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