Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
 
the blind and the subway, my test, sports, search words, music, Xmas
As I've written before, I'm uncomfortable anytime I see a blind person on a subway platform. I know, I know - they have their little stick and all, but I'm certain before I die I'm going to see a blind person walk right off the fucking platform and onto the tracks, without much fuss and making just a quiet little landing noise. I envision myself being the only one to see this, as I frantically look around at other commuters to get verification, yet they are totally oblivious to the fact that some blind dude just walked right off the platform and plopped onto the tracks.

I know this. Part of me is terrified about it, but the other (more predominant and louder) part of me thinks this may be the funniest thing I'll ever see.

Also, there's that certain level of embarrassment among fellow commuters that arises when seeing the blind person on the subway platform. Everyone in the vicinity thinks, "Should I help this person when the train comes, or is someone else gonna do it?" while I think "How does a blind person wipe their ass? Seriously, they can't see that the toilet paper no longer has poop on it, so when do they know to stop?" [I personally stop when there's more red than brown, but I digress.]

There are many buskers and street performers that come into subway cars in NYC to ply their trade. Some of these suck; others don't (though most of the time I just turn up my iPod and hope it ends as quickly as possible - you know, me being a disaffected young man and all).

There is one in particular who I've seen a few times: this old blind guy who plays the accordion. He comes on the train, plays his accordion, and walks up and down the train as people dive to get out of his way.

Normally, I don't harbor much hatred for old blind men who play the accordion for people's spare change, but this morning was an exception. You see, the Lexington Avenue subway line (the express 4-5 and the local 6) is one of the most crowded trains in the city during rush hour. People are usually crammed like sardines in the trains, and it is a not uncommon occurrence to have to wait for the next train because you can't fit on the first one.

As I am going straight from work home to Philadelphia this evening, I had to commute this morning on the already crowded train with a piece of luggage and two white "tall kitchen" size trash bags full of gifts (classy, I know). I knew this would be very uncomfortable, and I've been dreading this commute for weeks.

While rocking out on my iPod waiting for a train, I saw him: the old blind accordion guy. Immediately, I got tense. I had seen him before, but it was on weekends when the trains are much less crowded. What was he doing planning on getting on the 4 train during the morning rush hour? How the hell would people be able to move out of his way to let him pass, as the train is so fucking crowded?

Soon thereafter, the train came. There was a major crush to get on, and I was unable to secure neither a seat nor the ideal standing location for someone with bags (by the doors). I was stuck in the middle of the aisle with my three big bags.

And sure enough, old blind accordion guy kicks out his jams and starts his blind-ass walk from the front of the train to the back of it. At this point, I started to break out in a sweat. See, the guy can't see, and he's playing a fucking accordion, so he just sort of walks into you until you get out of his way. I can't get out of his way; it's crowded and I have three large bags.

So he gets to where I'm standing and literally walks into me. I scramble to get out of the way, but I can't - I'm fucking huge and I got these sacks. He takes a step back, and walks into me again. Again I scramble, but there's nowhere to go. So again, he backs up and walks into me.

Now it's starting to cause a commotion, because every time he bumps into me, his playing cuts off momentarily. I'm beat red and dying as people start looking at me like, "What's that fat guy's problem? Why doesn't he just let the poor blind guy pass. Fucking fat ass - probably left his hoagie and home and he's taking it out on everyone else."

In order to let him pass, I end up basically laying on some seated passengers and give one of my bags to a guy sitting down in front of me, so it's not in the aisle. He passes, and it's over.

But it was horrifying. Absolutely horrifying. I think I'm still blushing from the experience, but again, with my health it's impossible to tell what's blushing and what's hypertension.

The lesson: next time I see a blind person on the subway, instead of waiting for them to fall off the platform on their own volition, I think I'll just mosey on over and give 'em a little help (if you know what I'm saying).

*************************************

Re: my final on Monday - I think I did pretty fucking well. I don't want to say that I aced it, because that's just bad karma, but I will say that I knew only about four things from the whole semester well, and three of them were on the test (we were allowed to pick three of six essays to write). So I feel great.

And once again, I escape unscathed. Fucking A.

Really, is there anything better than doing nothing and getting something in return? I know I've written about this before, but hard work is for chumps. "There's nothing more satisfying than working hard for something and accomplishing it" is a line for immigrants and the easily manipulated. I've never thought after working hard for something, "Yes, this feels great because I spent a lot of time and tried my hardest and I did it!" No, I think, "Thank fucking god I achieved because I spent so much fucking time on this stupid goal. Fuck."

On the other hand, what's better than doing nothing and still accomplishing? Not too much (that doesn't involve nudity or drugs).

God I fucking love myself.

[Please note that we are experiencing in real time the "manic" phase of manic depression. Thank you.]

*************************************

Under penalty of losing my genitals, my friends in Philadelphia have informed me that I can no longer write about the Philadelphia Eagles. Was it a coincidence that three hours after my post about the team's chances of winning a championship it's announced that star player Terrell Owens is out for the year? Probably, but considering the blood feud that God and I are involved in, I wouldn't be surprised if He did this on purpose (He gets especially vicious around the holidays).

So therefore I will no longer speak to this subject. But here's what Sam from NYC has to say:

After reading your latest blog and then hearing the TO news, I think
it's more like this with your girlfriend from the analogy: you're at
the party with your girlfriend, and she asks you to go upstairs to an
empty room. She says she's going to cover herself with bologna and
let you eat it off her naked body, after which she will call her new
best friend Jenna Jameson to join you.

Then when you get to the room, it turns out your girlfriend's ex is
there waiting for you, and her ex is William Hung. Then they tie you
down and make you watch while William Hung does anal on your
girlfriend, while Jenna simultaneously rubs his balls. Then William
finishes her off, gets up and urinates on you, and calls you a pussy.

I'm a Giants fan, but if I were an Eagles fan like you, that's what I
would feel like right now.

Yeah, I'd say that's pretty close.

*************************************

A random sampling of words entered into search engines which brought people to this site:

- "how to wear a scarf" men

- a lap dance is better when the strippers crying

- dogs fucking dumb virgins

- gay massage in trumbull, ct

- pics of dicks showing at the wrong time

- sex show left teased costumes

- songs used in antonio banderas cologne (spirit) commercials

- teacher + "inappropriate emails" + sister

- who did the hip hop song "doo doo brown" from the early 90's

It's so true - a lap dance really is better when the stripper is crying.

And I certainly hope the person searching for "dogs fucking dumb virgins" found what he or she was looking for. But I know from personal experience that losing your virginity to a dog can be a traumatic experience, so I don't think anyone would put pictures of such an activity on the internet. Just my two cents.

*************************************

Since it's a half-week, Three Songs:

- "Better Luck Next Time" Scissor Sisters
I downloaded this on Monday and have already worn it out. It's not that the song doesn't have lasting appeal, but it's that I've listened to it, without exaggeration, about 150 times since then. What a catchy fucking tune.

- "The Drugs Don't Work" The Verve
I recently had a reawakening moment with this song. I loved it as soon as I heard in my freshman year of college, and listened to it tons. But when it recently popped up on my iPod, I hadn't heard it in ages. You know what? I still lick it. And yes, I know I just typed "lick" there. I'm too lazy to go back and correct it. So back off.

- "Glad Girls" Guided By Voices
When I first heard this song, I thought they were singing, "Hey-hey black girls!" And I thought it was awesome. But then I thought it was racist, as the line after that is "Only wanna get you high" - I didn't think it was appropriate for a band to perpetuate the negative stereotype of African-American women loving to get people messed up on drugs. But long story short, it's "glad girls", which doesn't make nearly as much sense as "black girls". Either way, the good drum work makes you wanna get up and dance. I'm actually dancing right now. And it's super fucking sexy.

*************************************

It's nearly Christmas, and I would be remiss if I didn't say something about it. But I don't really know what to say, aside from it's pretty f'in' cool (presents, food, booze, time off from work/school, etc).

So I hope that you all have a good holiday, and thank you for continuing to read and passing on the site. There will be more exciting changes in the next few weeks (note: this may be a lie) and I invite you to come back often and keep spreading the word (through the referral page, by sending emails to your friends, posting the site address in message boards, writing the address in interstate rest stop bathrooms, etc).

So have a good holiday and please don't drink and drive (unless you're my Uncle Les, because he is awesome at it). We'll be back on Monday.

[Christmas fact: many Christians get pissed when people write "Christmas" as "Xmas", and remind us that Jesus is the reason for the season. Their angst is unfounded; the "X" in "Xmas" does not mean that we're crossing out Jesus - the "X" is derived from the Greek letter "Χ" (pronounced "key", but always mispronounced by meatheads frat brothers as "ky"), which is the first letter of the Greek word for "Christ", Χριστος. So if anyone gives you any shit for shorthanding "Christmas", you can tell 'em what's up. Now go get me some egg nog.]

[Also I could be completely wrong about that, but I'm pretty sure I'm right.]



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