Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, November 18, 2004
 
R. Kelly and a Yankee wife, Southern ladies, burgers with poison, the cokehead GM, music, email, off
R. Kelly is quickly becoming the most hilarious celebrity on the planet. I'm sure that many of you have heard, but another R. Kelly sex tape has surfaced. Though this one doesn't have any pee or underage girls involved (we don't think), it purports to be a threesome between R. Kelly, the wife of NY Yankees' outfielder Gary Sheffield, DeLeon, and an unknown woman.

This came to light after a self-proclaimed minister in Chicago contacted Sheffield's representatives and asked for $20,000 to "counsel" Sheffield's wife and to make sure the tapes were destroyed.

Well.

I'm not really surprised by this: another R. Kelly tape is like the latest installment of the Bond films, so it was only a matter of time before something popped up. What does surprise me is the fact that Sheffield, a notorious headcase, is being so supportive of his wife. His exact comments were, "I have not seen the alleged videotape, nor do I care to...I love my wife, and I vow again to stand by her through any trial or tribulation."

I refused to believe that Gary Sheffield said this, since the guy eat steroids like I eat dumplings (read: a lot). This is what his reps have spun for the media, but I'm sure his reaction was actually closer to, "I'm'a kill you bitch!"

But of course in any situation like this, there are a litany of humorous quotes or media clips. On of my favorites comes from Sheff's wife's mother, courtesy of that bastion of journalistic integrity, the NY Post, who says,

Richards [Sheffield's mother-in-law] admitted to The Post that her daughter had a relationship with allegedly kinky crooner Kelly. But she said the affair was so tumultuous it drove her into the arms of another man — Jesus Christ.

"Right after that episode she was saved," she said of her daughter, who has been a gospel singer since she was a 3 years old.
Right after she dated R. Kelly, she was saved, but she was a gospel singer from age 3? What, was she doing gospel because she just really dug the music? Also, do you think that a traumatic event, like say, recording a sex tape threesome, led her to Jesus Christ? Also, what does Jesus Christ think about getting R. Kelly's sloppy seconds?

Three things we have to take away from this (our lives depend on it):

1) R. Kelly, stop making sex tapes. Just stop. I read somewhere (and I may be completely making this up) that a lot of celebrities film sex acts in order to prove consent - it's a lot easier to dispute a rape charge if you have a video of your accuser asking you to stick three fingers in her butt. I understand that, and after hearing that I have since set-up a secret camera in my bedroom, but all I have so far is hours and hours of me beating off. But really R, the tapes have gotten out of control. Do us a favor, and stop. Or, do me a favor, and do one with Angelina Jolie in it. I'm more than ok with that.

2) Remember my marriage dealbreakers? How I can't marry a woman who smokes, won't take my last name, has fooled around with a friend, or has small boobs (by the way, this has haunted me more than I could ever have imagined, since I get plenty of (ok, one) emails like, "Well, I'm hot, and young, and really want to marry you, or at least have sex with you, but I smoke, so you're out of luck - asshole")? I think we need to add a 5th:

5) I can't marry a woman who has been in a sex tape with anyone, especially R. Kelly.

This is absolutely non-negotiable. Good lord - I get fits just thinking about it. I have a hard enough time when any girl I'm dating is not a virgin; if she's been on a sex tape -

You know what? I can't even talk about this, since I feel like I'm going to throw up. Let's move on.

3) The "unknown woman" has already inspired a number of jokes between my friends and I:

My roommate Ben: "I just wish you would wash the dishes after you use them."
Me: "Well that's funny, because I just wish your mom would own up to being the unknown woman in the R. Kelly/Mrs. Sheffield tape."

or

My roommate Brian: "Dude, you have a voicemail message from your mom on the machine?"
Me: "Oh really?"
Brian: "Yeah, she said that since you work at a law firm, she needs your advice, because she's ready to admit to the public that she's the 3rd woman in the new R. Kelly tape."

R. Kelly. What a terrific person. I now promise to name my first son "R".

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In my capacity at work, I have to talk on the phone a lot to people who I don't know. Sure, I still do way more personal phone calling, but believe it or not, yes, sometimes I use the phone for more than talking about how fucked up I'm going to get tonight or how hot that waitress from Brother Jimmy's was.

Anyway, there's this one girl who I talk to fairly regularly, and she has the sexiest Southern accent I've ever heard. Don't get me wrong; I hate the South. I've been quoted at saying the only two things they have in the South are heat and racism, but man, this accent is something else.

The thing is, it's so disarming that I can't even articulate properly. I'm usually calling about some big financial deal, and when she answers the phone with that sweet, sweet voice, I find myself stumbling, "Hi, um, Shannon. This is Jason Mulgrew, from, um, well, that's not important. I'm calling to see, well, how are you? That's rude of me, isn't it? Here I am going on and on about me, and I haven't even asked how you are doing. So, uh, how are you doing? You know, I can neither see nor smell you, but I'm sure you look and smell great today. Not that I don't want to see or smell you. Do you have any plans to visit New York anytime soon? Have I ever told you that I'm kinda famous on the internet?"

This is not an exaggeration. It's getting to the point where I think she's starting to screen her calls, because I've been getting her voicemail a lot recently.

So great. I'm scaring women who I haven't even met yet. Nice.

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Over the past, oh, four months, I've been slowly reading Fast Food Nation. See, grad school has killed any leisure reading I used to do. I don't do the assigned reading for school, so when I read a leisure book, I start to feel guilty and think to myself, "Man, I really should be reading my school stuff instead. God I feel dizzy from all the apple pie."

The funny thing is that I'm currently at the part talking about the e:coli outbreak at Jack-in-the-Box in the '90's, and I actually find myself craving a cheeseburger. Not Jack-in-the-Box, because I've never had one of those, but rather an In-and-Out burger, which I haven't had since July 2002.

Mmmm...e:coli burgers.

(Did I really need all those hyphens?)

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Why does Brian Cashman, GM of the New York Yankees, always look like he's coming down from a week-long coke binge? Seriously, look here. And here.

Good god, man. Take a nap or some shit.

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Six Songs

- "Pride and Joy (Acoustic)" Stevie Ray Vaughan
Unbelievable. I never thought an acoustic, 12-string guitar could sound like this. I makes me happy in my pants.

- "Badge" Cream
Eric Clapton is really lame nowadays. He's all old, and clean, and really, there's nothing cool about being old and clean. Cream is where it's at. The solo in this song is so amazing perfect, I actually cry when I hear it.

- "We Will Become Silhouettes" The Shins
I like this band, mostly because it's very cool to like this band. And this is a very cool song, and real foot-tapper with nice harmonies.

- "Piece Of Clay" Marvin Gaye
You wanna talk about crying when you hear a song? Good lord - this one gets me. Big time. I have to talk about something else.

- "Marry Me" Drive-By Truckers
Good ol' fashioned Southern rock, this song makes me wanna fuck, fight, and, oh yeah, get married, all at the same time.

- "The Chokin' Kind" Joss Stone
Joss Stone's new album, Mind, Body & Soul, stinks. She tries to be way too diva, and fails. Fortunately, "The Chokin' Kind" is on her first album, which is filled with smooth R&B covers. The #1 album I copied and gave to girls I wanted to bang in 2003. Alas, it didn't work.

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Update your address books bitches, because we've changed our email address. I don't know why it took me so long to realize lycos sucks, but from here on out send all email to eiwwme@gmail.com. I tried to keep it to "eiwwm", but your username as to be at least six letters, so that's why we have "eiwwme".

And now that we're using gmail and its massive storage space, you can send me those nudey/booby/compromising pictures without it filling up my inbox! Ain't life grand?

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[Also, not posting tomorrow, as I'll be out of the office. So have a good weekend or something.]



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