Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
one (quick) football note and a few words about advertisements
All I'm going to say is that the Terrell Owens signing was very good for Philadelphia, as a city and a football team. That's it. I'll take his celebrations, his complaining, his tantrums - whatever - since he has 12 touchdowns and the Eagles are 8-1 (well, I could have done without the terrible "Desperate Housewives" intro, but his acting was so bad he redeemed himself).

Shit, TO could knock up my sister and I'd still love him. Well, actually, I would love him if he knocked up my sister, since that means we'd be rich, so that joke doesn't work. How about: he could kill my sister, and I'd still love him. Does that work? Or am I going to get an email from someone saying, "Dude, not cool - my sister really was murdered by TO"? Whatever.

Anyway, some terrible fucking commercials, while I sit here rotting and waiting for an ad agency to hire me:

1) The Dr. Pepper commercial with Smokey Robinson and B2K.

Smokey, simply put, you are a legend. One of the founders of the Motown Sound and one of the most distinctive voices in American music, you have written and sang countless hits that millions of people around the world know by heart.

So I ask you: do you really need the money? I have to say "yes", because I don't know what the hell else would possess you to do this terrible commercial with that awful group B2K. I don't even know what the hell "B2K" is, and yet you're acting all chummy with them and carrying on like a god damn asshole. At first, I was angry. Now, I'm just embarrassed for you. Either get a new agent, or give me a ring. I don't have much money, but I'll give you a couple of bucks if it means maintaining your dignity.

[However, props to the ad wizards at Dr. Pepper for putting this woman in a commercial. I have no idea who she is (apparently, she's famous in Mexico or one of those Mexico-type countries), but I will be standing outside her home shortly, acting sketchy and planning to do something criminal.]

2) All Sprint PCS commercials, but especially one with the cowboys.

I don't know how to tell you this, Sprint PCS, so I'm just going to come out and say it: you fucking suck. I don't even know how the Better Business Bureau allows you to run these commercials in which you talk about your good reception, because you have the worst reception, by far, of any of your cell phone company. I'm pretty sure that there are cell phone companies run by Gypsies that have better reception than you guys.

In one of your recent commercials, your boneriffic spokesman talks about how cowboys, who are on the road a lot, can easily send pictures from anywhere. Let me tell you something: I live about a mile and a half from Times Square, an area many would call the world's center of entertainment, and yet I have to stand in strange positions (on my toes, holding a hanger, with one finger in my ass) in my bathroom tub in order to get clear reception on your service. I work a baseball's throw away from Wall Street and the New York Stock Exchange, an area many would call the financial center of the world, and yet my cell phone is so useless it's basically a shiny piece of glass and plastic that lights up.

And you're going to create a commercial in which you brag that cowboys in the middle of nowhere will have no trouble sending pictures? Sending pictures? I can't make a call in Manhattan that's longer than thirteen seconds before my reception goes out, but a cowboy in Idaho going to have the three minutes it takes to send a picture? How do you sleep at night?

You have terrible reception. And you stink. You fucking stink. I hate you.

That is all.

3) The State Property ads currently splayed all over NYC buses and subways.

I don't have a picture of this ad; I spent a good hour or so today on the web looking for the one that is currently on the MTA's busses and in subway cars, but, much like when I tried to start eating mac and cheese with utensils rather than my hands, I failed, so linked above is the artist bio from Roc-A-Fella records.

It stinks, because I really wanted to be able to show you all how terrifying these guys look in this ad. I don't know if the current ads are for music or clothes or whatever, but I do know that they're why white people are really, really scared of black people. Seriously, the ad shows a bunch of very intimidating black guys standing around, looking very angry and tough, staring back at me on the subway as I lick the cheese that fell from my from my bacon, egg & cheese bagel onto my jacket during my morning subway ride.

But good lord - there have been times when I've seen this ad on a bus, stopped in my tracks, thrown my wallet in front of the bus, and ran screaming in the opposite direction. It's that scary, and I don't scary easily, unless a werewolf is involved. Or bugs - I hate bugs.

[God, I really am terrified by bugs. Now I'm going to have a nightmare tonight. So thanks.]

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