Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
 
my campaign strategy
Here are my thoughts about the election and the campaign process (and I know I'm going to oversimplify here, but just shut the fuck up for one goddamn second).

I'm a bottom-line kinda guy, and the way I understand it is that the goal of running in a presidential election is to win. And how to win is to get at least 270 electoral votes. And sure, maybe I have been with a prostitute. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but I thought I'd put it out there.

California has 55 electoral votes. Texas, New York, Florida, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Ohio have 34, 31, 27, 21, 21, and 20, respectively. That's 209 in only seven states. Georgia, North Carolina, and New Jersey bring 15 each, so we're up to 254 in just ten states. Winning ten states out of 50 (20%) will put you on the doorstep of the presidency.

So here's my point: after I become famous; nurture, battle, and defeat a massive vodka/quaaludes addiction; get married and divorced four times; gain 200 pounds; nurture, battle, and succumb to a massive cocaine/mozzarella sticks addiction; get brought back to life by a faith-healer; become a born-again Christian; go to law school; become a champion for the rights of retards and minorities everywhere; and run for president on the Democratic ticket in 2020, I'm going to issue a letter:
To all citizens of states with less than eight electoral votes,

Listen, it's nothing personal, but - and there's really no easy way to say this so I'm just going to blurt it out - I'm not going to even try with you guys.

Don't get me wrong; I'd still appreciate your vote. If you pledge your support to me, I promise to keep American safe from Mongol invasion, get our country back on track toward fiscal solvency and away from reliance on foreigners and whatever the hell they're selling (since they are terrifying), and you know, all that other good stuff I've recently talked about that now escapes me. But I'm not going to work for your vote at all. Like, not at all.

I promise that if your state has less than eight electoral votes, you will not see me kissing any babies in your hometown. I will not speak to you at rallies about the evils of the Republican party. I will not even mention you to any of my staff, the media, or my friends and family. For all intents and purposes, you will be dead to me.

But I ask you, what would you do if you were me? Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, The Dakotas, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Alaska - you've gone Republican in every election from 1972-2000, and you're only worth a combined 37 electoral votes. 37! And you guys are huge! Do you expect me to really traverse all over your gigantic states, spending a lot of time and money to build support for my candidacy when a) I know there's no way I'm going to get it; and b) it's only 37 votes anyway? I think my time and campaign money would be much better spent in other ways, and, contrary to what my opponent charges, I'm not talking about by funding the design and construction of the world's biggest dildo or spending $900 a week on gourmet General Tso's chicken.

We here in the Jason Mulgrew for President "2020 Muthas!" Campaign have promised to work to improve the lives of Americans all over the country. Our plans for greater funding for public schools, tax-breaks for middle-income families, and more affordable healthcare for all will positively benefit all Americans, regardless of whether you live in a loft in Soho and paint for a living or you dwell on some godforsaken desolate farm in the middle of nowhere and shoot stray cats for fun.

But after seriously thinking it over, campaigning in states with less than eight electoral votes is just not practical. I hope you understand that I'm not trying to hurt your feelings when I say this. I believe it was Kenny Rogers who sang, "Sometimes when you say something/It stings me deep in my heart/Now take off your clothes baby girl/So the freaky lovin' can start."

[Actually, I made up that Kenny Rogers line - but that's not important.]

In closing, I want to say that I love you all. May God, in His Most Holy and Infinite Wisdom, continue to bless you, your families, and your pets (unless your pets are evil). And I encourage you this November to get out and vote. Whether or not you vote for me, well, I don't really care.

Love, peace, and dancing in the glow of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit and Their Friends,
I am,
Jason MJPAE Mulgrew, AB, MA, JD, DDS
I would win in a landslide. You guys would vote for me, right?



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