Everything is wrong with me
Monday, November 01, 2004
love and weddings
What a weekend. What a wedding. What an awesome time.

My old college roommate Mike married his long-time girlfriend Lee on Saturday in Rhode Island, and it was a blast. Everyone stayed in Newport, which is a lovely little town, and the wedding and reception were nearby.

And boy, did they do it right. Gorgeous wedding. Seven-hour open bar at the reception (yes, seven). Terrific band. Breathtaking appetizers. Dynamite dinner. Just absolutely fucking spectacular.

After a five-hour drive, my buddy Conor and I arrived in Newport at 10pm on Friday night. The drinking started immediately, and save for the two hours or so around the actually ceremony/mass, didn't stop until well into Saturday night.

Since way too much crap happened for me to write any sort of coherent prose-style entry, we'll break it down in bullets:

- First, a food note (shocking I'd start off talking about food, right?): I think I love seafood. I used to actively dislike it, save for the occasional crab cake and tuna sandwich. But after the wedding, which had awesome lobster cakes and bacon-wrapped scallops (!) as appetizers and a surf and turf dinner, well, I think I might just like seafood. This is a major development, because this opens an entirely new genre (genre?) of food for me. Which is great, because exactly what I need is more food to like and eat. Sweet.

- In other food-related news, on Friday night on the drive up I didn't eat dinner and had only a Snickers bar, and went out boozing on an empty stomach. The result was a 1:30 in the morning Domino's pizza gorge-fest that was pretty wonderful and featured conversations like:

My buddy Joe: [shoving pizza into his mouth] "Man, this pizza is really hot."
Me: [also shoving pizza in mouth] "Yes, I think my mouth is bleeding."
Joe: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I taste blood. It's good pizza though."
Me: [grabbing another steaming slice] "Hell yeah it is."

Three days later the roof of my mouth is still scalded. Such a fat drunk.

- Having this website has changed things socially for me in two ways. The first is that for those who read the site it makes my end of the "I haven't seen you in a while - what have you been up to?" conversation obsolete. I saw a couple of old college friends I hadn't seen in some time at the wedding who happen to read this site, and when asked that question, I began to go into detail only to have them say, "Yeah, I read about it" to most of the things I mentioned.

This is good and bad. Good because it saves me from giving the stock answers ("I live in New York", "I do marketing/pr/financial research for a law firm", "I hate myself", "I haven't been with a woman in so long that I'm questioning my sexuality - I've been trolling a lot of rest stops recently and one day I'm going to get up the courage to just go through with it", etc).

But it's also bad because then I can't talk about myself (which I love doing), and have to listen to the other person talk about themselves (which I am loathe to do). The result is I'm trapped in a one-sided conversation with someone going on and on about the private equity landscape in the mid-West and talking about their significant other while I slowly undress the nearest female with my eyes, all slow and sexy like, with "Set The Night To Music" playing in my head.

[God I hate people.]

The second way it's changed things is that everyone wants to "get in the blog". This is very weird to me, especially since my close guy friends say it all the time: "Dude, we'll give you something to write about" or "You're gonna have the best story ever for your site" or "You have got to stop masturbating in the shower so loudly". And invariably, the same people who say this wind up getting way too drunk way too early and passing out four hours before everyone else. So please, save it. Besides, there are about ten people (and four of them are me) who read this crap anyway.

- Liz Hasselbeck (nee Filarski), former star of "Survivor" and current co-host of "The View" (not that, um, I watch that or anything) was at the wedding. She went to BC and is a friend of the bride's. And, oh yeah, she's pretty hot. Her presence (and hotness) lead to a lot of conversations between my friends and I like:

My buddy Gary: "Liz Filarski is so overrated."
Me: "Totally."
My buddy Bill: "I mean, look at her - I can't believe she left the house like that."
My buddy Joe: "So, so gross. There are at least 20 guys here that I'd do before I'd do her, including the five of you."
Me: "She is really tough on the eyes. I feel bad for her, and her husband must be ashamed."
All: "Yes."
My buddy Kevin: "Wait, what did Joe say about doing us?"
Me: "I don't know, but his drinks are on me tonight."

- Mike's brother gave an awesome best man speech that left everyone at our table a little misty-eyed. One of those situations where a bunch of dudes are standing around, getting a little emotional, but squirming and looking away so as to not let their buddies notice and failing miserably. There were also a couple of funny one-liners in the speech, which I will shamelessly steal and incorporate into my own best man speech, which has been written for about eight years now, and will ultimately not only change the way the best man is perceived, but also may single-handedly win the war on terrorism. I'm serious - it's that good.

- Actual conversation between my friend Mark and I during the mass, just after the First Reading:

Mark: [leaning over, whispering] "Dude, you smell like booze and sweat."
Me: [not hearing] "You smell like booze and sweat?"
Mark: [clarifying] "No, you smell like booze and sweat."
Me: [sniffing self] "Well, you're right. And it's only gonna get worse."
Mark: "Awesome."

- Number of...

Times Conor and I got lost on the way to Newport: 3

Minutes this added to the trip: 45

Hours it took to get from Columbia University to the other side of the Triboro Bridge: 2

Distance in miles from Columbia to the other side of the Triboro Bridge: 8

Average speed in miles per hour of this leg of the trip: 4

Minutes in hotel room before toilet was clogged and not functional for remainder of weekend: 14

Calls to hotel staff to alleviate problem in order to not have to pee in shower or poop in Kevin and Gary's room: 0

Times I was asked, "Are you gonna shave that beard before the wedding?": 3

Times I responded, "Show of hands - who here is the boss of me?": 3

Times I got just a little bit choked up during the wedding and reception: 2.5

Dollars spent at open bar where drinks were free, meaning we didn't have to pay: 45 (presumably on tips, but in the state I was in I could have eaten the money or shoved it in my own ass and I wouldn't have known the difference)

Mysterious cuts and bruises on hands and body, most likely received while too under the influence of alcohol to notice pain: 4

Hours it took to get back to NYC on Sunday: 3.25

Hours on the ride back I was asleep because I was too hungover to see: 2.5

Fig Newtons consumed while conscious in the car ride: approximately 30

Fig Newtons consumed while unconscious in the car ride: 12

[Fig Newtons are really fucking good.]

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