Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
 
fucking election
This is terrible. Absolutely terrible. I was going to abstain from posting today, but as the voice of a generation of misfits, slackers, the unemployed, and the overweight, I felt the need to speak up.

Although not official, both I and John Kerry have conceded and it looks 99.99% sure that George W. Bush will be President of the United States for another four years. Good god.

I have gotten a number of emails from friends and readers expressing disgust, sadness, and rage at the results of the election. Also, one of you sent me a picture of your balls. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I wanted to let you know that I too feel your pain (except in the case of the guy who sent me the pic of his balls - he looks like he's doing just fine, as they are the size of medium-oranges).

The only way I can explain it is that I feel like I just got dumped. I couldn't sleep last night, tossing and turning fitfully in my bed that is starting to smell more and more like cat piss each day. I was up at 5am, restlessly stalking about my apartment, searching for who knows what. And now I'm a total zombie at work, staring listlessly at my computer screen, avoiding all social interaction and professional responsibility - voglio stare solo.

But in a way this is worse than being dumped. If you get dumped, your buddies can take you out, get you all liquored up, and point you in the direction of some massive 300 pounder with a moustache that you can take home and manhandle with reckless and drunken abandon. But with the election, I realize that for the next four years, four years that may be the most important of my life as I am faced with the prospect of becoming serious about my career (ha!), getting married (highly unlikely), starting a family (not intentionally), and becoming a real-life adult, I will have no respect either for the intelligence nor the leadership abilities of my President. Not only that, but now I have serious questions about the citizenry of the United States, as I am unable to grasp how almost 60 million Americans could have voted for this man and his policies.

The good news is that as a man without much feeling, compassion, or emotion, I was able to get over this whole thing pretty quickly, having experienced the textbook "Five Stages of Loss" all today in about five hours. I will now share my experience.

The First Stage: Denial
This can't be. It just can't be. George W. Bush, getting re-elected? How can anyone elect a President who has essentially done everything wrong? He's conservative to the point of Fascism. His positions regarding the rights of homosexuals would make any decent human being cringe. His impetuous and thoughtless foreign policy has squandered nearly all of the universal support the US had post-9/11. His unilateral and unprovoked attack on Iraq has costs thousands of American lives, ten of thousands of Iraqi civilian lives, and turned Iraq into the biggest and bestest breeding ground for terrorists, and has no end in sight. He has lost a budget surplus and has straddled the country with a giant deficit. His record on terrorism, which he counts among his strong points, always neglects to mention that the greatest terrorist attack in American history took place on his watch.

C'mon - it's like me winning the Mr. Universe pageant or being named "Father of the Year". No way it happens. GW can't be re-elected.

The Second Stage: Bargaining
Look God, don't fuck me on this. I know You and I have never exactly seen eye to eye, but I'm calling in a favor, and I know You owe me one (lest we forget a little incident in Grand Junction, Colorado in 1995). Here's the deal: You make sure Kerry gets in, and I'll never have sex again. Sure, it's true that I probably wasn't going to have sex again anyway, but you know how important this is to me.

Also, I'll like donate to a Church or whatever. But I need this. Don't let Bush get re-elected. Seriously.

The Third Stage: Anger
Can someone please tell me who the hell is living in my country? Or at least what the hell are they thinking? I overheard a talking head on CNN this morning say something to the effect that Karl Rove was aware of the massive registration of young voters who registered this time around expressly to vote for John Kerry, but he was unconcerned because he believed (apparently, correctly) that many evangelical Christians who didn't vote last time would come out to vote for Bush.

Evangelical Christians have canceled out the votes of young Americans. That sentence is so fills me with such sadness and disappointment that I want to crawl under my desk and die.

But we (meaning intelligent, fair-minded, civilized, mostly good-looking liberals) got fucked by a bunch of Bible-thumping, gun-toting, gay-hating rednecks. And not just in the presidential election, but in a majority of elections. There are two Americas that are fundamentally opposed to each other. This is at the same time infuriating and terrifying.

I'll tell you what: the Republicans crushed the Democrats in the election, now I'm going to crush the Republicans in real life. You heard me bitches - I've got my hooded sweatshirt on, I'm blasting "Eye of the Tiger" from my work computer, and I am ready to GO mother fuckers! Bring that shit to me! You don't know where I'm from bitch! I will take you OUT! What, Bitch?!? What?!?

The Fourth Stage: Despair
Damn it all to hell. We're fucked. Four more years of Bush. Four years from now, the war in Iraq will be exactly in the same place it is now. There will be an Inquisition by the religious right against homosexuals. I will have lost my job and will be sucking dick for cheeseburgers (rather than on dares or whenever I have some free time).

This is partially my fault. As an internet quasi-celebrity with a readership of over 14 people a day, I could have and should have done more. I could have reached out to more people, talked to them about politics, stuck my hand up their shirt. But I did none of this. Especially, sadly, that last one.

I am tired, miserable. I don't want to do anything except sleep. I can't even eat (ok, well, I can still eat).

The Fifth Stage: Acceptance
So...I'm moving out of the country. Three questions: who's coming with me, where are we going, and what are we going to wear?

[For further reading, please check out a piece that my good friend Don Fiedler over at SlackLaLane wrote about the current situation in Iraq about Iraq being even more a breeding ground for terrorists because of GW Bush. My favorite part:
Iraq is now like the NFL's pre-draft scouting combine in Indianapolis, only, you know, with a lot more camels and amputees. I can imagine Al-Zarqawi poking and prodding future terrorists, saying things like, "He's a keeper" or "I'm willing to take a chance on this one despite his inexperience with ricin. He's just raw talent."
He and Ace Cowboy are doing some excellent work over there, and I don't know why you guys aren't reading them (actually, I have no idea whether or not you are, but whatever).

Also, you should read Nicholas Kristof's latest piece in the New York Times. My buddy Conor and I were talking about this on the ride home from the wedding this weekend but Kristof tackles it much more eloquently and he's probably not covered in Fig Newton crumbs as he does so. Of course, his sentiments are not true enough to stop me from saying "Bible-thumping, gun-toting, gay-hating rednecks" but whatever.]



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