Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, October 14, 2004
two quick notes, one inappropriate, the other sports-related
Christopher Reeve. I know I’m late on this, but I was out sick yesterday. And I know I tried to leave this alone, but I just couldn’t. Three things:

1) To the endless amount of eulogizers in the press: you know Christopher Reeve was not actually Superman, right? See, he was just an actor playing Superman. I think I read in one of the seven articles about him in the NY Post, “He was a great man, and we are forever indebted to him for saving Metropolis, and the world, time and time again.” (Not that I read the Post, because I’m way too smart for that.)

2) No disrespect intended, but Reeve’s resume aside from Superman isn’t all that impressive, something that you would never have guessed judging from those calling him “one of the greatest actors of his generation.” One of the greatest actors of his generation? In what? Deathtrap? The Bostonians? Village of the Damned? I don’t think so, my friends. Superman totally kicked ass, but calling Reeve one of the greatest actors of his generation is like calling me one of the most sober softball players in the history of Boston College intramural sports.

3) This is going to read like a bad stand-up bit (well, this whole thing kinda reads like a bad stand-up bit) but Reeve started speaking out and donating money for spinal cord injuries after he had been injured. It’s not like he’d been this great philanthropist and fund-raiser who happened to get seriously injured. Shit, if I was multi-millionaire who got freakishly crippled, you’d better believe that my ass would be raising all sorts of money for spinal-cord research, and it would have nothing to do with philanthropy, and everything to do with my ass wanting to walk again. I'd be out there, stumping (no pun intended) every single day for some money for spinal cord research. Reeve raised something like $24 million in ten years; you can bet I'd break the $100 million mark in five. No doubt.

Still, he kicked ass, and I don't mean to dishonor the dead. I'm only trying to make jokes at another's expense. And yes, I know I’m going to hell. So fuck you.


I can not imagine what it's like to be a Red Sox fan. What a bunch of hopeless losers (the Sox, not the fans). Because if it doesn't happen this year (which it ain't), it's certainly not gonna happen next year, with Pedro playing somewhere else and Giambi's .300-40-120 back in the Yankees' lineup. Bear in mind I say all this as someone who is currently rooting for the Sox, so he can loot and commit arson in various parts of Boston after a Sox World Series win.

But good lord - can things be going worse right now?

- Curt Schilling, the missing piece who was supposed to lead the Sox over the Yankees, had a phenomenal regular season, going 21-6 with a 3.26 ERA and over 200 K's. He and the Sox looked so good that Vegas actually had them as the favorites going into the ALCS. So what happens? Schilling blows the start he was acquired to ace and gets rocked, injuries or re-injuries his ankle, and is most likely out for the post-season. Ouch baby, very ouch.

- This completely nullifies what the Sox perceived as their strength: starting pitching. Also, I guess I missed the memo that was sent letting everyone know that Sandy Koufax would be playing the role of Mike Mussina, and Bob Gibson would be playing John Lieber. Good lord. No disrespect to Arroyo and Wakefield (because I'm sure they're reading this), but I think it was kinda important for the Sox to take at least one of the games in which Pedro and Schilling started. But I'm not a professional...

- The Sox are 1-36 in the first 6 innings of each game. Johnny Damon is 0-8 with 5 K's. Something is going to have to give here folks.

The result? Boring baseball. Sure, there were maybe 2 1/3 innings of exciting ball, but the Sox are getting whupped right now, just absolutely whupped. My new prediction: Yankees in 5.

But hey, at least they have the Pats. Which is nice. You know what I have? Terrible Philly sports, except the Philadelphia Eagles, who will only break my heart in the end. Oh, and Ben & Jerry's "Oatmeal Cookie Chunk". Wow. Have you had this? I mean, there are no words. No words, except "God Bless America".

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