Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, October 28, 2004
The Sox
I still can't believe it, but the Boston Red Sox are World Series Champions.

"The Boston Red Sox are World Series Champions." My god. That's like hearing, "Jason Mulgrew can walk up three flights of stairs without collapsing into a seizure" or "Jason Mulgrew has normal-sized genitalia and a very healthy heart that's not 55% mozzarella and 20% Country Crock" or "Jason Mulgrew has had consensual sex with a conscious, non-deceased woman in the last twelve months", except it's actually true.

One message to New England sports fans: now shut the fuck up. I got tired of the Red Sox fans whining while the Pats were kicking ass, and now you're the most dominant sports city (region) in the nation. So shut up. Philly - no championships since 1983. Boston - three in three years. So shut up. I'm happy for you, drink your champagne and enjoy yourselves, but shut up (and yes, maybe I'm a little bitter that I didn't get a chance to go up to Boston to join in the revelry, but maybe I'm also bitter because I have chest pains constantly and could go at any day now having accomplished nothing save for a crappy website).

Two notes:

1) Was anyone else shocked to see that Jeannie Zelasko has a giant ass? Good lord! I guess all that sitting behind the desk speaking non-sensically about sports alongside Kevin Kennedy (who played Leo, the leader of the rival Scorpions in 1978 hit "Grease") didn't do much for her 34-24-44 figure. Don't get me wrong - I'd still love to give that ass a work-out - but wow. Jeannie "They Call Her Crisco, Because She's Fat In The Can" Zelasko. Got a nice ring to it.

2) Theo Epstein, the 30 year-old Yalie who is the general manager of the Red Sox, can pretty much sleep with anyone he wants within a 250-mile radius of Boston. I'm not limiting this to women; I'm sure there are a least two million or so male Red Sox fans who are willing to make love to Theo Epstein out of gratitude. He's 30, and that's his life. I'm 25, and I'm trying to get out of a work luncheon meeting so that I can go to the cafeteria because they have baked mac and cheese today.

Only five years to go to make a change...wish me luck.

And again, congratulations to Sox fans everywhere. I am quaking with jealousy. You bastards.

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