Everything is wrong with me
Friday, October 29, 2004
I love Halloween. I don't really know why, since I'm such a pussy when it comes to scary things. One of my oldest and worst memories is from when I was in first grade and my class decided to participate in a school-wide talent show. For the show, we were to dress up as zombies and do some choreographed dance to Michael Jackson's "Thriller." "Thriller" was huge at the time, but being a total pansy, I avoided watching that damn video like I avoid trolling internet chatrooms to arrange for random sexual encounters (wait - that comparison really doesn't work). However, when we were preparing for the talent show, the class had to watch the video. My friends picked up on my nervousness about having to see such a horrifying video, and broke my balls endlessly (back then, we would have said "teased", since I don't think I knew what balls were then; I don't even know if they had descended by that point). Finally, when the video was about to start, I acted like a tough guy and watched the whole thing. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since. That werewolf transformation seriously fucked up my shit for a long time.

But I love Halloween. It's the one night a year that you can dress up like an idiot and get away with it. For example, a few years ago, I went out as Eddie Murphy. A few hours and a handful of barbiturates later, I was stopped by the cops for soliciting a beejer from a transvestite named Sugarbush. When I explained to the cops that it was all part of my Eddie Murphy costume and Sugarbush was in on it, we all had a good laugh and the cops left. Then I got the teethiest blow job I've ever had in my life. I think you can still make out a nice little mark left by Sugarbush's top left incisor on my bird. Definitely not worth the $6, two cans of Coors Light, and half an Italian hoagie.

But anyway, Halloween is good for two things:

1) Slutty women. I don't know when the phenomenon of women using Halloween as an excuse to dress like depraved skanks happened, but I think the gods that it is so. From what I remember, even as late as high school, girls had nice, normal costumes: cat, witch, devil, etc. Now, only ten or so years later, girls have much more complex costumes: slutty girl dressed as a cat whose cleavage is pouring out of her skin-tight costume, woman of ill-repute dressed as a witch who looks like she'll blow anyone within a radius of ten-feet, whore wearing a devil costume who after you've had twelve beers actually appears to be asking to have sex in a bathroom, topless girl who simply no shirt on, etc.

And this is completely awesome. Halloween is the last glimpse of the power of women’s sartorial sexuality. You see ladies, men (and gay women) love the spring and summer, because you all wear less clothes. Those first days of spring are some of the best of the year for the men (and gay women), as you all shed the puffy jackets and overcoats in favor of low-cut shirts and skirts. It's truly magical. All spring and summer we enjoy staring at your gorgeous bodies (except those belonging to fatties), taking in as much as possible because we know that the cyclical nature of the weather will soon deprive us of these beautiful views.

And Halloween is last bastion of gawking. We know that soon you'll be all bundled up, but on Halloween you can wear that skimpy little leotard, paint whiskers on your face, and call yourself a Cat. Better yet, it's totally ok for us to look and admire your awesome "costume".

So fucking sweet.

2) Candy. Well, I think this pretty obvious. Candy is fucking awesome, except for that terrible Halloween candy corn, which tastes like ass and is on par with those terrible fluffy chicks that everyone eats around Easter. Gross.

Top Five Halloween candies:
1) Snickers
2) Reese’s Pieces
3) Anything with Caramel
4) Peanut M&M’s
5) Grolsch


But, alas, I will not be going out this year for Halloween, as this weekend I am going to my old college roommate’s wedding in Rhode Island. I am ok with this, because weddings/open bars are awesome, but my roommate Brian is crushed. He’s not going to the wedding, and we had an awesome costume planned: Hall and Oates. That’s right; we were going to be the greatest musical duo of all-time that still has full use of their legs. This works well, because Brian kinda looks like Daryl Hall. Me…John Oates...not so much. But I could have gotten a gheri-curl afro wig and grown a little moustache. Crap.

So have a safe and Happy Halloween. And ladies, please wear something extra slutty. Really. Because it’s going to be a long, cold winter for those of us with penis (and gay vaginas). So help us out. Please.

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