Everything is wrong with me
Friday, September 24, 2004
your emails
It's Friday, so that means I'm filled with an excited energy now that the weekend is upon us. My credit cards are burning a hole in my wallet, practically screaming, "Jason, take us out and use us to pay for drinks for women way out of your league! Then you can curse us in a month when you get your statement! Or maybe get high and give our wonderful numbers to the charming lady on the other end of the phone so she'll tell you how much she loves fisting!"

I didn't go out last night, so I'm feeling pretty good. Rather than tell you what I did (cleaned my bathroom and bedroom, made dinner, watched TV, killed two Puerto Ricans - the usual), I'm going to answer some of your emails. This also works well with my whole "laziness" thing.

The first email comes from Phil in Chicago. He writes:
Porn: I fancy myself somewhat a fan, albeit not obsessed (not that I don't respect you). My question - who is/are your favorite actresses? And more importantly, why?
Wonderful question Phil, and one I am aptly suited to answer. First, I would use caution when using the word "actresses". When your only responsibility is to show up on a set and have some guy cream on your face in front of a camera, I don't know if you can be called an "actress". "Starlet" is a much more appropriate word, and it encapsulates all the glitz and glamour that is porn.

I've been watching porn since the age of 13, when my family began stealing cable, thus making my adolescence a lot more interesting with three full-time 24-hour porno channels at my disposal. Most teenage boys would murder their siblings to be so lucky, and I know two who have. Poor bastards.

In addition, I'm fascinated by the porn industry, because it is a money making machine. A few of my friends are starting businesses and investing their money in all sorts of ventures, but the thing is, to me there are three things in which you can invest to optimally maximize your returns: titties, booze, and gambling. Pay a girl $5 an hour to strip for you, take half of what she makes for each lap dance, charge $10 at the door, and have a bunch of schleps chugging $10 watered-down vodka tonics all night. Open a bar, buy your booze wholesale, so that your bottle of Absolut costs you $6 but you get $115 worth of vodka tonics out of it, all while paying bartenders $2 an hour to serve them. Open a casino, and for every $20 you take in, pay out $1, because gambling, whether anyone in the industry will admit it or not, is an addiction.

[I know this is way oversimplifying, and I'm forgetting the monumental expenses and pains of licensing, real estate, etc and the tremendous amount of capital you need to start something like this, but you get the point - jerkoff.]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in many circles I'm considered an expert in pornography (and yes, believe it or not ladies, I'm single - shocking, I know). Here are, in order, my top 5 favorite starlets:

1) Celeste - I think I like Celeste because she was in the first porn scene and I ever saw, and consequently I developed an attachment to her. It also helps that she's extremely hot and has gigantic (but tasteful) fake breasts. She has retired, but she's still my #1 all-time favorite.

2) Chasey Lain - So hot that the Bloodhound Gang (who, by the way, suck) wrote a ballad to her. She also had cameos in "He Got Game" and "Orgazmo." Also, really, really hot (why do I have a feeling I'm going to be saying that about all of these women?).

3) Kira Kener - Is it natural to be Asian, 5'4", 110 pounds, and have natural super enormo-boobs? No, but that's why I like Kira Kener (Asian fetish notwithstanding).

4) Jenna Jameson - Just because you have to. A tremendous talent and the face of the porn industry, she retired recently but will live on in perpetuity through her films, website, books, etc.

5) Briana Banks - Many consider Briana the "new" Jenna. She broke into porn as Mirage, a lower-level starlet. Then she went and got the most giant fakest boobs available, and she's risen to the top of the industry. She's still very active, and (gulp) 21 years old. I mean, wow.


The next email comes from Jeff from Denver. It's not really a question, but an interesting story which also introduces a new term.
Don't mean to sidetrack you, but I was perusing some of the archived postings on the blog because, well if I actually gave a shit about my job and did any work, I'd have to kill myself...right after I annihilate every last mother in this glory hole.

Anyway, the post on May 10th about maintaining the upperhand after you breakup with a girl. So, this girl and I split many years ago, and I was crushed. I was out with a coworker a couple of weeks later getting completely blotto on various concoctions when he starts asking me what the fuck is wrong. I recant the story of my lost love, and provide him with her name and where she grew up and went to school. His jaw drops and beer starts shooting out of his nose much like I imagine Edison would have looked after inventing the light bulb, or the visual of what in some circles is a "love making" technique commonly referred to as the Angry Dragon. (If you don't know, look it up) He then asks me a series of questions obviously clarifying a suspicion he's formulating. At the end of this interrogation and after he calls an ex girlfriend of his in Wichita, Kansas of all places, he confides in me that this chick, before I started dating her, is the same chick that he went to college with, and is the same chick that, in front of a bar full of chanting on-lookers swallowed her pride and that of a lucky young man to the delight of everyone present on a dare. Not even a bet!

Wow! I mean I knew she was a freak, and to be honest, that's the main reason I was so broken up about our sudden parting, but that's hilarious.

And seriously, if you don't know what the Angry Dragon is you have to look it up. You of all people will get a kick out of it.
Wow. Lot of emotions there. I don't know if this technically qualifies as the Upper Hand, because, although you have the Upper Hand because you can forever say, "Remember when you blew a dude in front of a bar full of people?", you actually dated her.

This reminds me of a story from college. There was a girl that we went to school with that was, for lack of a better way of saying it, a complete and total promiscuous slut. This girl slept with everyone (well, except me). At least three of my friends slept with her, but about nine of them caught a beejer.

To look at this girl, you'd never realize that she was a freakazoid nitro-turbo slut. And one day, probably while under the influence, I realized something: this girl is going to leave college and have the opportunity to totally reinvent herself. She can move on, leave her slutty past behind, and marry a guy who has know idea that her nickname throughout college was Hallway (as in, "throw the hot dog down the hallway", as in, her vagina is so loose making love to her is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway).

In this story, the girl blew a dude in front of a room full of people, but managed to hide it (to an extent) and start a new relationship with some poor unsuspecting chap. A tremendous story, and an important lesson: never date a girl who you haven't spent all your time with since puberty. Because she may have blown a dude at a bar in front of a bunch of people.

And also, the introduction of a new term: the Angry Dragon. I had heard Cleveland Steamer, Dirty Sanchez, Arabian Gas Mask/Roman War Helmet, etc, but never the Angry Dragon. Though I think I will lose forever my female readership if I write what it is, you don't reap rewards without taking risks. Therefore (cover your eyes those who don't want to be grossed out), the Angry Dragon is when a man ejaculates into a woman's mouth, then karate chops her in the neck, causing the semen to shoot out her nose, just like an Angry Dragon.

[Give it a moment.]

My official stance: no comment. Aside from, who the hell thinks of this stuff? Oh wait, people like my friends and I. Right.


Another story comes from a reader in Memphis, who writes after reading yesterday's post:
A friend of mine once got drunk and stupid, as was his wont, and sent a long, vicious e-mail to his ex-girlfriend. You know the form: "I hated fucking you, please why won't you come back, I hope your vagina rots out or something, God I've never loved anyone like you, etc."

The problem: He mistyped the e-mail address by one letter, and it went to HER MOTHER instead.

He had an e-mail from the ex in the morning, tearing him a new asshole. I'm pretty sure that episode squashed any chance of a reconciliation.
Um, yeah, I'd say so. As a matter of fact, I can't think of anything worse to squash a chance of reconciliation than an email to your ex's mom telling her you hated fucking her. Well, maybe a homicide, but that's about it.


Finally, our last email was one that piqued my interest the most. It's from Zana V., who hails from "a very small village about 20 miles north of NYC." She writes:
Rumor has it that you are involved with someone and you are not willing to admit it. Care to comment on this?
Ah, one of the major trappings of "celebrity" - the press is starting to intrude on my lovelife and rumors are swirling.

I knew this would happen eventually. As the site has been growing in popularity (all through word of mouth - thank you tons and please continue to pass it on), I've noticed the paparazzi trailing me wherever I go, taking pictures of me in compromising positions, shooting me when I'm drunk, getting pizza at 4am, or beating up a dog. I think if you look hard enough on the internet there's even a picture of me sleeping quietly next to a pantsless hobo.

Sure, maybe I have been club hopping with the guys from "That '70's Show" recently. And maybe last week Tom Sizemore and I got in a duel that resulted in his death. And perhaps I threw a pile of dog shit at Ben Affleck on Tuesday while he was lunching with Jennifer Garner and yelled in a Boston accent, "You fahkin' douchebag!"

But, alas, I am not involved with anyone. However, if anyone would like to be involved with me, please email me immediately. I have some plans this weekend, but I will surely blow them off as long as you promise that we will make love and it'll cost me under $100. I would prefer someone that's STD-free, but if not, well, that's fine too.

So write immediately. Do it now. Operators are standing by.

[Have a good weekend.]

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