Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, September 30, 2004
masturbation (?), my heart, cussing, questions for the secretary, diet, music, and thanks
I need some advice.

Whenever my roommates are sitting in the living room watching TV, I do this thing to gross them out. I'll walk into the room (wearing mesh shorts) and stick both hands down my pants. Then I'll take my penis (henceforth called "my bird") in my right hand, and smack it repeatedly against the open palm of my left hand, which is facing downward (all this is going on in the shorts; nothing is exposed). The result is a loud slapping noise, which completely grosses my roommates out. It goes like this:

[me running into living room] "Guys, check this out!" [sticks hands down pants, makes slapping noise with bird]

Now, I think this is hilarious, and I do it at least three times a week.

My roommates, however, say that this is masturbation. I completely disagree. We argue about this as if we were arguing about who the greatest 3B of all time is (Mike Schmidt), who the best "Friend" is (obviously Ross), and what famous person would we most like to sleep with (Lindsay Lohan, Heather Graham, Salma Hayek, and Tina Turner all at once).

I say it's not masturbation. In my book (and my book on this is huge and has lots of pictures and some of the pages stick together), masturbation is self-arousal for pleasure. I am not arousing myself when I do this, nor do I gain any sexual pleasure out of it, aside from the pleasure of seeing my roommates squirm and go, "You're fucking disgusting dude."

They say it is masturbation. According to them, any self-manipulation of the genitals other than aiming to pee is masturbation.

I just don't buy it. This is totally not masturbation. I think they keep saying that it is so that I'll think, "Geez, am I really jerking off in front of my roommates?" and stop doing it. This has backfired big time, and I'm doing it at least once a day now. That, and my other favorite thing, which is walking into the living room with a part of my scrotum exposed between my fingers saying, "Hey guys, do either of you want a piece of Juicy Fruit? I chewed it up a bit, but it's still got some flavor. But it tastes like bleu cheese and smells like bacon that's been left on the asphalt of a New York City street for four days in July, so I don't know if you want any."

So what do you think: is this masturbation?


While we're talking about my roommates, last night I asked them,

Me: "Does your heart beat really, really fast when you piss?"
Brian: "Um, no. And I don't think that's a very good sign."
Me: "Really?"
Ben: "Yeah, you might want to talk to a doctor about that."
Me: "Well, I know I'm in worse shape than you guys. But next time you piss, can you just see if your heart rate increases as your pissing?"
Brian: "So does it just increase when you piss or it is a lot faster?"
Me: "Oh god - it beats so fast you can see my man-boobs shaking, the area where my neck connects to my chest pulsating, and my vision gets blurry."
Brian: "Yeah, I don't know about that..."

And of course, every time the pee they forget to check.

I'm enough of a hypochondriac to know a little bit about medicine, and I know your heart's supposed to beat faster when you get up from your chair, or take a shower, or wait for the subway - but while pissing?

Please tell me this is normal before I check myself in to the nearest emergency room. Lie if you have to.


I have been cursing (or swearing or cussing) a lot lately. I really like to say instead of "fuck", just "F". As in, "Then the stripper was like 'That'll be $40' and I was like, 'What the F?'"

But one runs into a problem when trying to write the word "fucking" this way. See, technically, it's supposed to be spelled f'ing or f'in'. As in, "I was f'in' this hot broad last night and then she turned out to be a f'in' dude! But I kept going because I was like, 'Eh, what the F?'"

However, I've also seen it spelled effing, which I completely despise. Though phonetically correct, there is no "e" in the word "fucking", asshole.

So, heretofore I am going to occasionally spell fucking f-ing.

Yeah, I know it's not funny, but fuck you.


I work in my department with only four other people, and we all share a secretary. He's really more of an assistant, but whatever. What are you, a fucking Narc?

Anyway, I ask this poor guy so many questions in the course of day that he must hate me. And these questions have nothing to do with work in the least. It can be anything from simple things like, "Is it raining out?" (even though he sits in a windowless area) to random shit like "How do you say, 'I want you' in French?" though to my knowledge he doesn't speak French.

I don't know why I do this, but I've found that in corporate institutions some of the most intelligent people are secretaries. So I therefore take it upon myself to ask him questions like, "What's the capital of Zaire?" and "Who were the original 'Charlie's Angels?'" and "How do Hispanic guys get their beards so thin and straight?"

Great, just what I need: another enemy at work.


Four hot dogs is NOT an acceptable dinner for a 25 year old man. Well, it's not an acceptable dinner for anyone really, but it struck me recently that from Monday to Wednesday I had the same meals every day: breakfast was oatmeal, lunch was peanut butter and jelly and soup, and dinner was hot dogs and mac and cheese.

So now I have the genitalia AND the diet of an 8 year old. Sweet.


Speaking of terrible diets, I probably go through at least a bottle of pepto a week. Seriously, I should be their spokesperson, or at least get some free shit, since I spend more annually on pepto-bismol than I do on haircuts, underwear, or soap.


Some music:

- "Push Th' Little Daisies" Ween
God, I fucking love this band. Sure, some of their stuff is a little too out there for me, but for the most part they fucking rock. And they are from just outside of Philly! Yay!

- "Moon Dreams" Miles Davis
This has to be one of the most relaxing songs of all-time. Whenever I hear it, I think of my grandparents slow dancing together. I have no idea why, and yeah, maybe that's the lamest thing I've ever written, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want to slow dance to this song.

Moving on...

- "Year Of The Rat" Badly Drawn Boy
This jerkoff recommended a Badly Drawn Boy song to me last week, and I've been listening to his shit since. At about 2:40 into the song, when Damon and the kids sing "One plus one is one" together over and over again, well, it's just really, really purdy.

- "Have To Explode" The Mountain Goats
Another band that was recently recommended to me, this time from Nic in Colorado. I wrote about their song "No Children" last Thursday, but this one is also very nice. I like it because it is very, very sad and about love. Sad about love is right up my alley. So is mescaline. But I digress...

- "I Got A Man" Positive K
I'm gonna make a bold statement: this is my favorite late '80's/early '90's dance-rap song. I mean, what can top it? A duet in which a guy is trying to kick it to a girl. My favorite part:

Girl: "My man buys me things and he takes me out."
Positive K: "Well you can keep your man 'cause I don't go that route."

Amen brother. Amen.


Finally, thank you for all the ideas about tooth pain remedies and the well wishes. I'm not sure if you people are really nice or just really, really bored. Something tells me it's the latter.

But I'm happy to report that since I'm eating Aleve like Pez I'm feeling pretty good. And in about 26 hours I'll be able to do some serious self-medicating, so things are looking up (for the most part).

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