Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Emails, Part 2: Sex Tips
The following email comes from Chera of Mechanicsburg, PA. For some reason, I got really into this (I have no idea why). She writes:
In the August issue of Cosmo they have an interesting article about "Sex Tips from Men". As a man with many words, views and comments, I am interested on your take... I didn't notice anyone of them mentioning BBQ, hot dogs or sundae smothered on the ladies bodies so I was safe to assume that you were not one of those surveyed.
Excellent topic for discussion. Like I said, I got way too into this. Below I’ve taken the sex tip given by a man to Cosmo, and given my take on it.

Here goes:

"I love when you are cuddling next to me, completely nude, and I feel the softness of your pubic hair on my hip."
- Oh jesus – a little graphic, eh? So that’s what kinda party this is? Alright, bring it on.

"If I'm sitting in a chair and zoning out, come on over and straddle me. Your body in my lap will perk me right up."
- Really? You're kidding me! A woman sitting on my lap is a good thing? Is that why I spend 18% of my yearly income at titty bars? Quick, call CNN!

"I love when a girl gives me that God-I-want-you gaze, especially if she shifts her eyes downward after a few seconds, then glances back up one more time."
- Douchebag. What, are we in the movies or something? (Maybe this is jealousy, as any "I want you" gaze directed at has come from blood-shot cracked out/drunken eyes of a hobo).

"When you give me a hello kiss after a long day at work, don't hesitate to grab my package. It's like Hel-lo..."
- Ok, that works.

"Be playfully aggressive. Throw me against the wall and go at it -- like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct."
- Again, another good one. You’d better be strong though, because I am pretty fat.

"When you grab my arms, hold 'em over my head and lick around my armpits. I'm putty."
- I think I just threw up.

"Instead of just diving right into sex, spread a bedsheet between us and grind over me. The heat from your body and the softness of the fabric feels incredible."
- Dude, you gay?

"Dribble some sparkling wine over my nipples and lick it off slowly."
- Or I could just drink it. And I wouldn't lick it off my chest unless you want a mouthful of hair with that sparkling wine. Just an FYI.

"Run your tongue around the perimeter of my belly button. The fact that you're just inches from my most sensitive spot has me drooling with anticipation."
- I'm not "drooling with anticipation" when a woman does this. I'm thinking, "This poor girl. God, she is really fucked up. How many cosmos did she have?"

"Lightly caress the sensitive webbing between my thumb and forefinger. It's a lusty pressure point."
- Yeah...um, I'd rather take a blow job personally, but whatever works for you.

"Getting naked with the lights on is underrated. A big thrill of sex is fully exposing ourselves to each other."
- I guess this depends on who you are having sex with. I usually keep the lights off, and keep my partner blindfolded. Just to be safe.

"Finger sucking is almost as good as sucking me down below. And here you can use your teeth."
- I respectfully disagree. Asshole.

"Spell out naughty messages across my entire body...my legs, arms, chest. If I guess right, you act out the message."
- Doesn't that seem like a lot of work? When I'm having sex, it's usually when I'm so drunk I can barely work a toilet, let alone guess dirty messages written on my body. Also, whatever a woman would spell out I'd guess the same thing: "anal."

"After sex, trace your nails over my inner thigh. You have no idea how much it preps me for round two."
- By "round two" I’m assuming we mean "turkey sandwich, heavy on the mayo" right?

"I really like to concentrate on the act of sex and save the intense kissing for before and even after."
- Here's what I am concentrating on: 1) "I can't believe I'm having sex right now!" and 2) "I'd really like some lo mein after this."

"When we're changing positions, give me an oral sex break. It lasts mere seconds, but it's unbelievable."
- There we go - finally another good one.

"When I'm thrusting, yell, "More, More!" It's such an ego stroke."
- I also like when women yell, "I know you're just on a gaining cycle right now!" or "Take me now, you internet quasi-celebrity!"

"When I'm about to reach the brink, tell me to pull out. Then bring me to release in your mouth."
- Good lord I am blushing right now.

"Run the condom packet down the trail between my stomach and privates. It's a terrible tease that feels great."
- Condoms? Who said anything about condoms? What the fuck?

"Squeeze my biceps and triceps while we're doing it missionary-style. It makes me feel like a strong, macho man."
- Don't do this to me. I'd probably say, "Um, yeah, I'm going to start going to the gym again next week."

"Who says that men don't like after-play? Once I've come, run your hands over my body lightly... definitely lightly."
- Then go get me a pizza.

"Moaning is great, but when you talk dirty and really let me know what I'm doing to turn you on, that really turns me on. It not only fills me in on what you love most, but it also just sounds so damn hot."
- Talking dirty is hard. My steez:

Girl: "Tell me what you like."
Me: "Um, everything? You know, whatever really. It all works for me."


Girl: "I really want to fuck you."
Me: "Um, I believe the feeling is mutual. Meaning, I really want to have sex with you as well."

[Editor's Note: These exchanges are fictional. Obviously.]

"The next time you're going down, go way down. Suck my toes and massage the soles of my feet."
- I can't express the horror I'm feeling right now.

"Explore the "tain't," which is slang for that little patch of skin below my testicles. You know, "tain't his arse, tain't his balls." Apply pressure there with your fingers, and I'll be eternally grateful."
- Alternatively known as the grundel or choat (also spelled choata, choad, or choada), this deserves its own post. This is like the male g-spot. Unreal.

"Go down on me in the shower. There's nothing like the feeling of a warm mouth around me while the warm water's rushing down."
- Oh yeah? Ever drink fifty Miller Lites and have a good bowl of French Onion soup? It's comparable.

"Try sticking my penis through the hole of a glazed doughnut. Then nibble around it, stopping to suck me once in a while. The sugar beads from your mouth will tingle on my tip."
- Wait a minute - did I write this one? On second thought, I wouldn't have written this, since I think it's a bad idea, as I would most certainly steal the doughnut and eat it myself. Then, I'd probably like it so much that I'd abandon the sex altogether to go get some more.

God I fucking love doughnuts.

"Sip champagne, then take each of my testicles into your mouth. Makes me tingle like crazy!"
- I wonder if the same applies to Budweiser...

"A sexual act is 10 times hotter when we're watching porn, and they're doing the same thing onscreen."
- The last three tips have involved booze, doughnuts, and porn. Now we're getting somewhere.

"Take your panties off, throw them in the freezer, then caress my body with them. Don't laugh. It's actually awesome."
- But please, keep them away from my ice cream and vodka. Please.

"In a cab, climb onto my lap (facing me), then stick your left leg over my shoulder and your right leg out the window. It's a little awkward, but it feels so good, we won't care."
- Your girlfriend is a whore.

Does she have a sister with low self-esteem?

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