Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
 
all sorts of ramblings
I’m happy to report that at about 3:30 yesterday, The Battle of Normandie Court came to an end, and the General was finally defeated.

He was a worthy opponent, but when the smoke cleared, it was I who was left standing, empty bottles of Pepto-Bismol at my feet, taco in my hand, basking in glory.

But this is not the end. We will meet again soon, and I will be ready. Oh, fried globules of chicken in a tangy sauce, I will master you yet.

You son of a bitch.

...

It’s good to be back. And thank god it's September.

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One additional note about Monday’s post: I have never understood belligerent drunks. I feel like something must have happened to them in their childhood for them to get drunk and be hostile. All I want to do when I’m drunk is 1) make out and 2) eat (usually in that order, the second coming after I have tried but failed in the first).

I had a roommate in college (who now is two days away from getting married - wtf?) who used to get wasted and try to start fights with me. The next day, I'd say, "Dude, what was your deal last night? You came into my room at 4:45 in the morning, punched me in the face while I was asleep, and ran out as I chased you down the street." His reply: "Dude, sorry. I blacked out."

I think psychologists need to devote more time to the black-out drunk. I don't know why this isn't already so...what you see is pure and undisguised "being in action." Does anyone else find this fascinating?

Maybe I just need a hobby.

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I am purposely not writing anything about the Republican National Convention going on here in NYC, because if you want to read about it you can do so at the thousands of other blogs covering it. But one thing deserves mention: is it me or does Jenna Bush look like every girl I got drunk at a bar on Commonwealth Ave and brought back to my dorm and fingerblasted? You know, kind of cute in that "I’ve got a nice buzz going" kind of way, a little bit o’ pudge to her, looking like she’ll put just about anything in her mouth after three Miller Lites?

Jenna (because I know you are reading this), did you spend any time in the Boston-Brookline-Brighton-Alston area from 1999-2001? Because I think I may have given you mouth babies.

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If there is a god, he will make Deion Sanders' comeback an embarrassment.

Lord, I've never asked for much, but please smite Deion Sanders, possibly my least favorite athlete of all-time, and possibly the most egocentric bastard in the history of sports. I know he's all born-again now and you definitely like him better than me, but c'mon - throw me a bone here. I'll make it up to you.

And what's all this talk about the Ravens making a Super Bowl run? Are you kidding? Jamal Lewis is facing ten years in federal prison, and last time I checked Kyle Boller stinks. These guys are supposed to beat the Pats, Titans, and Colts?

Yeah, right. Next you're going to tell me that there are black doctors and that women can have orgasms. Whatever.

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Speaking of embarrassments: Lenny Kravitz, you STINK. Maybe if you stopped focusing on being pretty and selling out, you could create something on par with Mama Said, which, by the way, came out in 1991. You know what else came out or was big in 1991? Marky Mark, C+C Music Factory, and Color Me Badd. So that's how long ago that was.

Lenny Kravitz = stink. I'm sure he could care less, as he is probably having sex with eight lingerie models at once right now, while I am in my stuffy office going over financial data. But that's not the point. I don't know what is the point, but that's not it.

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A random sampling of songs you should really download:

- "I Hardly Ever Sing Beer Drinking Songs" Johnny Cash
The antithesis of the whiny “My woman left me and my dog died so I is fixin’ to get drunk” country song. God I miss Johnny Cash. Never knew him personally, but it was good to know that he was there, being all genius and pissed off.

- "You’re Fit But You Know It" The Streets
Recommended by a reader after my suggestion of “Miracle Man”. Guy gets dissed by girl who thinks she’s hot shit. Classic theme, but surprisingly few songs on the topic. Extra points because it’s brought to us by a nerdy cockneyed Brit.

- "Mother" John Lennon
Intense. When Paul McCartney was off prancing around on stage with his wife singing about his "band on the run", John Lennon was kicking ass and taking names. Just piano, bass, some drums, and a lot of intensity. Do NOT listen to this song if you are under the influence of narcotics and have had problems with your parents (not that I have, besides the whole "I swear I'm not gay" fiasco of 2000). Seriously.

- "Sugaree" Jerry Garcia Band
Terrific song. If you like the Grateful Dead, you’ll like this. Even if you don’t like the Dead, you’ll like this. Trust me.

- "Ms. Fat Booty" Mos Def
Great fucking jam, and I love the sample of the old Aretha Franklin song. Extra points for the line: "Ass so big you could see it from the front." That's my kinda woman.

- "Beautiful" Christina Aguilera
Ah, Christina. Not only is she a slut, but she also has a message: "we" are beautiful, even if others call us ugly.

Well.

I don’t think you’re ugly Christina. In fact, if I had my choice of any pop diva to spend the night with, or the day with, or even fifteen minutes in the back of a Chevy Lumina with, it’d be you.

Britney: sliding down the slippery slope to white trash, and will be sucking dick for cheeseburgers by my 30th birthday.

Jessica: unconscionably attractive, but probably has only had one "d" (dick) in her life. That whole "I’m dumb and I was a virgin until Nick" thing doesn’t exactly scream "I know how to take care of business in the bedroom."

But Christina...my goodness. Any woman who can sing like that but decides to dress like a Turkish pirate whore constantly is alright with me.

- "Anna Begins" Counting Crows
This was first recommended to me by reader Sindia, who I am hopelessly trying to seduce with charming but often inappropriate emails (but there's one catch: she's actually met me, which doesn't bode well for me).

At first I thought, "Counting Crows? No thanks - I'm actually a man, and straight." But after a while the song grew on me - I mean, doesn't everyone sort of want the type of relationship described in the song, one to come in and totally obliterate and obfuscate their entire life?

[Whoa - sorry. Apparently, I had removed my testicles prior to writing that last sentence. I'm put them back now. My bad.]



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