Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
all over the place
Every morning, when the radio function of my alarm goes off, I wake up to Spanish radio. I don't know why I started doing this, but every time I hear that Puerto Rican DJ spouting off rapid-fire Spanish, it sort of gives me a chuckle. I like to pretend just for a moment that I am Miguel, a recently arrived immigrant from Colombia, who is waking up in his small Bronx apartment to head to his job bussing tables at the Friday's in Times Square, when I'm actually just a debaucherous pseudo-frat yupster contemplating a quick morning jerk rolling around in his exquisite 600 thread-count sheets (and no, this doesn't make me gay, it just proves that I take sleep very seriously).

I've been doing this for over a year now, and I think I'm actually starting to learn Spanish. I took a few years of Spanish in high school, which consisted of us making jokes, watching Destinos, and fantasizing about our hot math teacher. Thus, I've retained nothing, save for the masturbatory fantasies of the math teacher.

But I've noticed that when eavesdropping on Dominicans in the subway, or listening to some of my co-workers, or when heading to Spanish Harlem to buy some pills at 5am, I'm actually starting to understand most of what they are saying.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I think the point is that subliminal learning just may work. So now I plan on falling asleep to a slide show of pictures with dudes with giant penises. I'm hoping that this will encourage mine to subliminally grow. I know that it sounds far-fetched, but I've tried pretty much everything else, and something's gotta give down there. Seriously, I don't even know if mine works. Stupid tiny penis.


Is there any better season than fall? Especially in New York City? The relentless summer heat has subsided, sports are in full swing with the start of the NFL, NBA, and NHL (maybe not that last one) and the baseball playoffs, and all the kiddies go back to school, thus filling the bars with underage girls who simply don't know any better than to go home with some creepy guy who calls himself an "internet quasi-celebrity".

I mean, ain't it just grand?


I thought of a few more dealbreakers:

1) Any guy who still wears his college class ring and is my age. It's slightly better for older guys who do it, but there is no reason that a 25 year-old should be sporting his class ring. I mean, are you serious? Let it go man.

This is an off-shoot of the dealbreaker of anyone who cares too much about their college. I don't understand people who constantly talk about their alma mater, follow all their sports, join alumni organizations, read the alumni magazine - good god. College was good for one reason: the lack of any and all responsibility. Now that we're out, we have responsibility. Now college is good for two things: 1) being on our resume; and 2) asking us for money.

Just stop it already.

2) Any guy who wears a chain or necklace. Jewelry? Really? Do you really need a necklace? At what point does a guy say to himself, "Hey, that guy's wearing a necklace, and it looks really cool. I'm gonna get one. On a side note, I am a total douche." C'mon.

3) Any person who frequently uses any Instant Messenger expressions. You know these: lol, ttyl, bbfn, etc.

You gotta let these go. Especially the "LOL" one. "Laugh out loud?" Can a joke really be funny if it derives a "LOL"? What the hell is the joke about, enterprise application integration software (and yes, I just took that phrase from the internet)?

Now I'm all riled up. Not in a "some stripper just rubbed against my crotch for three songs" kinda way either.


About dealbreakers...start thinking of some, but save them up. When I first asked you for your dealbreakers, I had just started the site, and readership consisted of my roommates, my brother, and some girl I wanted to fuck. Now, readership has exploded to include my roommates, my brother, some girl I want to fuck, and some guy I work with.

So soon I'll put out a call for more of your dealbreakers, and we'll have an ultimate list. To this day, I still get several emails a week about dealbreakers, some of the pretty great. This is a golden opportunity for me to sit back and let you do all the work, so get 'em ready.


Two sports-related items:

1) Ok, I feel a little better about the Eagles defense based on their performance last night against the Vikings. Not entirely on the bandwagon, but pleased nonetheless. The officiating was terrible, but hell, my team won. So shut up.

2) Curtis Martin fans: ENOUGH WITH THE EMAILS. No matter what you say, he's not going to rush for 1500 yards. If I have to hunt him down and shoot him in the legs, he's not going to rush for 1500 yards. Trust me.


Related to last night's game - what's the deal with these new Coors Light commercials? These commercials brag about how Coors Light is cold-brewed and shipped in refrigerated train cars, as opposed to its competitors Miller and Bud, because Coors "know[s] [we] like cold beer".

Yes, I do like cold beer. But why do I give a shit if my beer is shipped in refrigerated train car? As long as it's cold when the bartender hands it to me, or when I take it out of my fridge, or when I peel it out of a dead hobo's hand, I'll be ok.

You know what is important to me? The fact that Coors Light tastes like a mix of carbonated water mixed with my piss after I've had 15 Bud Lights (seriously, it's very similar). So focus less on the "cold brewing" shit, and more on taste.


This week at my firm (and firms all around NYC) new associates are joining the rank and file of attorneys here. This usually means nothing to me, but this year it has some significance, because this year is the first crop of new attorneys that graduated undergrad in 2001, the same year I did. So for the first time, there will be attorneys at my firm that are my age.

All I can say to them is, my god I feel sorry for you. Part of the reason that I got turned off from law school was working here at a major NYC firm. You see, we hire only the best of the best. That means, if you work here, you are considered a "success." Maybe it's me, but the $125K starting salary notwithstanding, I don't consider "success" working 100 hour weeks for the next 6 years in a fixed and brutal hierarchy "success".

While these new attorneys spent the past three years in law school, going there straight from college, pouring endlessly over torts and civ pro just to be able to get into a firm like this, in the past three years I've:

- eaten around 200 pounds of nachos
- drank probably 100,000 beers
- gotten in 3 fights
- made out with 100 girls (ok, 4 - tops)
- spent $30,000 at bars

But man, you guys are in for some shit now. Good luck sitting in the office until 3am on a Saturday night, preparing a memo that will probably be read by you and you only. Enjoy the money, because otherwise, you're fucked. And the best part is - it's the rest of your life.

What the hell were you thinking? Have you ever met an associate at a mega-firm who said, "I am happy"? I certainly haven't, and I'm much more popular than you, and as a result know more attorneys.


A random sampling of songs you should download:

- "Theologians" Wilco
Wilco is cool. So cool, they're almost un-cool. But I don't care. This is a kick-ass band and this is the best song off their new album "A Ghost Is Born", which is only a step or two behind the venerated "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot".

- "Heatwave" The Who
Great remake of the old Motown song, with John "I died in a Vegas hotel with a hooker and $1000 worth of cocaine in my system" Entwistle laying down a fat bass line.

- "Let's Get Married" Al Green
Is there anyone cooler or more smooth than Al Green? I dare you to think of one. If you don't like Al Green, or at least appreciate what he has done, I can't be friends with you. Non-negotiable.

- "Unbelievable" EMF
Just kidding!

- "You Don't Know Me" Ray Charles
If I had discovered this song in high school, when I spent 80% of my day pining away for attractive women who were way out of my league and thought of me as nothing more than the friend to talk to their boyfriends about, I may have killed myself. Because Ray nails the theme of secret unrequited love better than anyone else with this song. I mean, wow.

- "Shout At The Devil" Motley Crue
Crue's first big hit. Makes me just wanna start punching people (although that may also be the cocaine).

And if you haven't read "The Dirt", which is the story of Motley Crue, you have to read it. Even if you hate the band or the music - my god, these guys could fucking party. Hard.

Juxtaposed with...

- "O Holy Night" (Yes, the Christmas song)
I'm going to say something, and it may sound strange, but I've thought about it for a few days, and I believe it's true.

This is the most beautiful song of all-time.

Before you click out of the web page and vow never to read anything I write again, let me clarify here.

I don't like it because it talks about the birth of Christ and I love Christianity and Christ and blah blah blah. It's the music that I like. I don't want to sound like one of those douchebag musicians here and pretend like I know what I'm talking about, but some of the changes in the song are really interesting, and like nothing I've ever heard before. Also, to sing this song, you have to have a set of pipes. I should know - I sang it last night for my roommates while doing the mangina. Not for the novice.

I'm not a psychologist, so maybe it does have something to my latent Irish Catholicism, which is now buried under years of mortal and venial sins like coveting my neighbor's wife, taking the lord's name in vain, and, oh yeah, murder. But I'm telling you - it's a really cool song (musically) if you listen closely to it.

[So I've pretty much lost you, right? You're never coming back again, eh? Well, it's been fun.]

[Any music suggestions to me are always welcome. Please do me a favor and put "music suggestions" in the subject line, if you do send any. Much appreciated.]

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