Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, August 19, 2004
very random
Blogger has inserted a "blog-rolling" function on top of all blogs on their system. I don't like this, but hey - this shit is free.

I've been spending some time checking out other people's blogs, and I have a few observations:

1) No one's is as good as mine. Like, not even close. This is not a knock against other blogs, but a testament to how truly special I am (I mean "special" in the same sense as "special ed").

2) Asian people have some very high-tech blogs. And I don't mean Asian-Americans, I mean real Asians: people from Singapore and Japan and other Asia-type countries. Some of the graphics on these things require separate downloads. You know what? No thanks. I don't need to download Flash 11.0 so that I can read about how you and your friends went to the mall on Tuesday. Unless you went to the mall and had a giant orgy and all of your friends have extremely large boobs. If that's the case, please email me.

3) The youth of America are barely literate. Teenagers have some atrocious blogs. When their words are interspersed with capital and lowercase letters (LiKe thIS bITch), they use @ for "a" and $ for "S", it makes me sad, and even more determined to never have kids (on purpose).

4) I've been cracking myself up by leaving comments on other people's blogs whose blogs are in a different language. There'll be a ten paragraph opus written in Portuguese, and I'll make a comment like "Totally." I've done this probably twenty times already, and each time it gets funnier (to me).

5) People care a lot about politics. Like, a whole lot. Apparently, there are people who support Bush. I wouldn't know it, but they actually do exist, and they are very pissed at liberals. Go figure.

6) People write a lot about their emotions, wailing away endlessly about loss, desperation, happiness, fear, etc. I guess I write a lot about my emotions too, but the difference is that the only emotions I have are lust and hunger. Oh, and revenge. That's my favorite one.

7) Some blogs are downright sad. In the "About Me" section, one person wrote (and I'm not making this up):

I decided to retire a couple years ago..was thinking about working part time until I broke my ankle and the way it swells will not allow me to be on it long..We have 2 dogs, 2 cats and 2 birds for pets..We have a piano I keep thinking I should learn to paly [sic]but have not tackled that yet..

I mean, I don't know what I feel, but it's not "good", and it's definitely not "horny."


From the music department:

- "Miracle Man" Elvis Costello
The best song ever about being pissed off about a girl who thinks she is hot shit. A must if you've been blown off by some bitch who thinks she's too good for you just because she washes her sheets more than once every three months. What's the difference - I'm only sleeping on them, not working out in them! And beer piss is mostly water anyway!

- "Flowers of December" Mazzy Star
A groovy lil' song, but what's best about it is that Hope Sandoval, the lead singer, who is pretty hot, whispers, "Oh wait, I have to get my harmonica" at the very beginning. For some reason, this really turns me on. And no, I didn't go to therapy this week.

- "Give Me Just a Little More Time" Chairmen of the Board
A terrific oldies song, as the lead singer just loses control. I picture him on stage, sweating, shaking, and freaking out, and it makes me happy.


The headline of a Chad Ford article on ESPN.com: The Mavs are hoping a healthy Erick Dampier will propel them back into the Western Conference elite next season.

Um, did I just read that right? That's a joke, yes? Or will we see, Philadelphia Eagles' Counting on Mulgrew's Speed at Wide-Out?


I always listen to my I-Pod when coming in to work. This morning, I ran into a co-worker in the elevator as I was rocking out, and he asked, "What are you listening to?"

Now usually, I'm listening to something pretty cool. However, this morning I was listening to Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven is a Place on Earth." Not very cool.

So I stammer, realizing I don't have enough time to change the song or turn the I-Pod off, and instead just take the head phones out of my ears and say, "Nothing actually."

This would have worked, except we were in the elevator, and as we were trying to have a normal conversation, if you listened closely you could hear,

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We’ll make heaven a place on earth

So my co-worker not only thinks I'm a bad worker, but he also now thinks I'm gay.

Smooth, dude. Smooth.


Speaking of co-workers, it's occurred to me that at one time or another I've had a crush on just about every female I work with. Some have only lasted a day, some considerably longer, but there have been thousands. Curse my loneliness and lack of standards!


If I get one more email with the link about the bear who drinks beer, I'm going to flip the fuck out. This is much more to my liking, and it's inspired me to create my own sandwich: The Boner - a soft sub roll with BBQ chicken, mozzarella cheese, two kinds of mayo, a whole cheesesteak, and a piece of pumpkin pie. Dip in chocolate sauce and enjoy.


Wireless internet is changing my life. Good lord - you're telling me I can actively download pornography while pooping, and not make a huge mess at my desk while in the process? Oh boy!

Also, I feel like I'm in college again, with internet up all the time, and IM on constantly. It makes me realize how much I hate IMing, as each person tries to talk over each other. However, it's the best way to have cybersex, hands down. So for that I am grateful.

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