Friday, August 13, 2004
Six Month Anniversary
"A blog? I'm not starting a blog. Do you know how fucking nerdy that is? It's so egotistical - why would anyone want to read about me beating off in the shower, getting drunk and not getting any ass? It's stupid. Now are you gonna finish that sandwich or what? I'm fucking starving."
- Jason Mulgrew, January 2004
Today is the six month anniversary of our little site here. Although I should point out that "anniversary" isn't really the appropriate word, since it's derived from the Latin words annus, which means "anus", and versa, which means "verse". So you can plainly see how it's being misused here.
Anyway, I had had big plans for the six month anniversary post: I was going to write a long one about how much I've learned about myself, talk about some of the best emails that I've gotten that I haven't yet put on the site, and even do a little awards ceremony.
But it ain't gonna happen. Why? Because I kept it real last night and now I'm hungover as a mother fucker. So forget all that thoughtful, work-requiring shit, because I got so fucked up that this morning I fell asleep (one could even say "passed out") on the subway, woke up in Brooklyn, and had to make my way back to work (fortunately, I was only one stop in, so it wasn't too bad).
A side note: whenever I get messed up, if something funny occurs to me, I'll write it down so I don't forget it. What I write down is NEVER funny. This morning, I found a crumpled napkin on my dresser with two things I wrote while f'ed up:
I am going to die while masturbating
What's so appealing about trimming your pubes when drunk? Why do I always do it?
So there you go: comedic genius in action.
But back to six months of our site. Who'd every thought I'd get six months out of:
1) I'm fat
2) Women don't like me
3) I beat off all the time
4) I'm hairy
5) I love to drink and get all sorts of messed up
I never thought I would start something like this, because I believed (and still do) that blogs are nerdy and egotistical. But I came to the realization that I would probably never have consensual sex again if immediate action wasn't taken, so viola.
Of course, this site hasn't helped me at all in this endeavor. And, though I've gained some weight since I've started it, and haven't really bought any nice new clothes or haven't sobered up enough to have an actual conversation with a woman, I don't blame myself for this lack of getting ass.
And I don't blame women readers, who read this daily or weekly or every once in a while and get a kick out of it, but are so selfish and self-centered that they don't realize that I actually put forth a lot of effort for them by writing this every day, during business hours, jeopardizing my job and my life, and really, would it kill them to put out for me, just a little bit even?
Instead, I blame terrorists. The terrorists and terrorism are the reasons that I haven't caught a beejer from this site. Terrorists have instilled a fear in Americans that was never there before. Terrorists have made women wary of reading an internet site, sending the proprietor of said internet site an email offering sexual favors, and finally meeting the site proprietor in a car off exit 166 on the Turnpike for a sloppy, chaffy handjob. The terrorists are destroying my sex life.
But on the bright side, this site continues to prosper, and it is thanks solely to you all. And, maybe it's the alcohol talking, but I think I'm having a heart attack. Sorry - I mean I do think I'm having a heart attack, but what I meant to say was, well, now I forget.
Anyway, if my dad taught me one thing, it's that hard work pays off. If my dad taught me two things, it's that hard work pays off and never try to build anything while you're on cocaine, because no matter how hard you try, it's just not going to look right when you're done.
In that spirit, and in the face of repeated failures, I am redoubling my efforts and making it my goal to get laid from the site (third base be damned!). I do this because I know that somewhere out there, there is a woman with just the right mix of alcoholism, low self-esteem, and poverty that will let me perform sexy intercourse on her, while she's conscience, without first seeing the money, and without contacting the local sex crimes unit afterward.
And that's where you come in. I know I have asked before, but please continue to pass on the site to anyone who you think might enjoy it. These people include but are not limited to: stoners, college students, junkies, the unemployed, convicts, drunks, any creepy relatives you might have. Actually fuck it - don't pass it on to anyone who you think might like it - just pass it on to everyone. Except my family and my co-workers. Best leave them in the dark on this one.
Without this turning into some sort of hippy lovefest, thanks for all the emails that range from dirty jokes to yelling at me to suggesting stuff for me to write about to just saying 'ello. Continue to spread the word and I will continue to write about my masturbatory habits and my alcohol addiction, in the hopes that one day, you and I can meet for some awkward and unsatisfying sex.
Your brother in Christ,
I believe miracles,
Where you from,
You sexy thing,
Jason Michael Joseph Patrick Aloysius Elizabeth Mulgrew