Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, August 26, 2004
no post tomorrow (Friday)
I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to find some other way of occupying your time tomorrow, because I won't be posting.

Why not pick up a hobby, like gambling? Or picking fights with strangers? Or racism? Or trying to find a new way to get higher than you ever have before?

Maybe you can get really fucked up on all the pills, vitamins, contact solution and hair gel you have in your medicine cabinet and call the ex that you're still in love with, and tell him/her that you're pregnant/you've impregnated someone else? When he/she says "congratulations", maybe you can tell them that you've put a curse on them, and all their offspring will have a really big left hand, and a very tiny right hand?

Maybe you can call your parents, and thank them for raising you to be neurotic, disloyal, and impotent? When they start to sob, maybe you can say, "I'm just kidding", then say "Happy Birthday" and hang up, regardless of whether or not it's their birthday?

Maybe you can tell your friends about this site (something I've begged for a million times here, but we've added a lot of new readers this week, so I'll say it again), telling them about the good, clean fun we're having on this website, then you can watch as their faces contort in horror as they read about, well, everything I've just written in this post? Maybe you can do this so the site's proprietor can get nice and famous and help make it so that he can see some boobies again without having to pay a $15 cover and $10 per vodka tonic?

You're going to have to find something, because there is no post tomorrow. Uncle Jason will be too busy being hungover, eating pancakes, and downloading pornography. So there.

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