Everything is wrong with me
Friday, August 20, 2004
mailin' it in
So I'm sitting here, finishing a late lunch, and a lot of thoughts are going through my mind: "Man, I really don't have anything to write today" and "What can I talk about?" and "Jesus, when was the last time I had Chinese food? It's gotta be like two months."

I was slowly growing content with not putting up another post, as I am busy at work today and am having various computer problems, but suddenly an email popped in my inbox from the lovely and talented Brian.

A little background about Brian (not to be confused with my roommate, Brian Powers - the only thing they have in common is that they are both douchebags): he and I went to BC together where we had a very unremarkable friendship. I knew him as the stoner who lived down the hall, and he knew me as the fat dude who once had sex with a piece of raw chicken breast for $10. We did have a class together, before which I always took a nap and masturbated while Brian smoked pot (not in the same room - well, once in the same room). Also in the class was a girl with giant breasts, who I am still in love with, though we have never spoken.

Brian has been mentioned a lot on this site, as he has given his thoughts or asked questions about weddings, hair salons and masculinity, and dating a woman who doesn't drink. This time, he tackles the Olympics in response to my post of 8/16:

Over the weekend I was home in Minnesota and my brothers and I were watching the U.S. get routed by Puerto Rico. I, as America's biggest opponent, was loudly rooting against the overpaid, dunk-only hacks on the U.S. My father then accused me of hating America, which, of course, I do. Still, why was my dad, who gets freaked out by guys with their ears pierced, rooting for a team captained by a guy with a tattoo on his neck? Anyway, I strongly suggest you change your view on the Olympics since 1) It's the greatest opportunity to root against America and isolate yourself from friends, family and random people at a bar. Cheering for Khazekastan in a late night water polo match against the US is a fantastic way to meet new people and punch them in the face 2) women's beach volleyball has now replaced my massive collection of Asian porn. Tall, thin ladies in bikinis that are way too small, I mean, I don't even have words to describe how awesome this is. 3) men's gymnastics. Seeing dudes that no doubt were ridiculed throughout high school as "fags" and "fudge packers" now in their moment of glory, it's breathtaking, and then they fall off the pummel horse and you nearly shit yourself laughing.
Secondly, I'm going to the Franz Ferdinand show on Oct. 3 at the Roseland Ballroom. It's a Sunday which sucks and it will probably be filled with hipsters but I love this band. Check it out and if you want to go I'll be there.
I really don't have much to add to these email, except to say that:

1) I really don't need the Olympics to isolate myself from anyone; I do that well enough on my own by cursing in front of my parents and grandparents, starting fights with my teenage cousins at family functions, exposing myself three or four times a night while having drinks with friends, and leaving notes for women who live in my building talking about how my "loins are alight with love", and how I "wash my loins three times to-day" in anticipation "of their warmness, most warm, to touch with mine."

2) I have heard much about this women's volleyball team, but because of my years-long dependency on pornography (very graphic pornography at that), I can no longer become aroused by such "normal" sexiness. For me to get and maintain an erection, I need: 1) three bukkake clips playing simultaneously, preferably with black guys; 2) the room temperature to be between 64 and 70 degrees; and 3) some sort of pastry baking in the oven, preferably strudel.

3) The men's gymnastics point was particularly good, and not just because of the fact that the gymnasts are homosexual. Any time someone works really hard for something, depriving themselves of enjoyment and a normal life for years to attain a specific goal and they fail - well, in my book it doesn't get any funnier (hey, if I have to be miserable, I'm going to take everybody else down with me).

So that's all I've got for today. Have a good weekend, and remember, you're going to be old soon. Go out, get fucked up, and get a story. Especially if you're an attractive young lady and your story starts with "Hey, I fucked that Internet Quasi-Celebrity guy - what's his name? Justin Muldoon? Anyway, he smells kinda like a mix between a baby and an old man. Really strange."

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