Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, July 29, 2004
oh those crazy Democrats!
"When you came home from work two Wednesdays ago, and caught your newlywed wife blowing your brother in your garage while your dad masturbated and filmed the whole thing with the digital camcorder he gave you as a wedding gift two months ago, know that...


When you went to Cambodia last year on business, had sex with a 15 year-old prostitute and got chlamydia, and passed the STD on to your fiancée who has now broken off your engagement, tell her...


When you went to work last month, and your boss caught you doing cocaine at your desk and wouldn't accept your explanation that "The coffee machine was broken" and fired you on the spot, tell him...


When you took too many sleeping pills, but then got hungry and decided to drive to Wendy's to get a Frosty and two Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, but en route you hit two kids with your car, freaked out, and sped away, and since then you've been holed up in a Red Roof Inn outside of Wilmington, Delaware, living only on methamphetamines, skittles and Coke 2, remember...



I consider myself fairly political, but I usually don't like to watch the conventions. This is because these things are just a bunch of crazy people who care WAY too much about politics and probably have never tried to steal a lawn chair from Target (if I knew anyone was watching, I wouldn't have done it, ass) standing around, yelling about how awesome their party is, and rah-rah-rah, and blah blah blah. However, I usually tune in when the candidates speak, and I caught (95% of) John Edwards' speech last night.

First, my friend is also named John Edwards. I have known John for about four or five years now, and it only occurred to me last night that he has the same name as the vice-presidential candidate. I guess this means I should probably stop taking that generic Xanax I was given to ease my fear of flying six months ago. While I'm at it, I should probably start working out again, because I think I'm getting stretch marks on my stomach (hard to say though - there's a whole lot of hair in the area).

[It's such a weird thing, having the same name as a famous person. Especially when, when you were born and named, that person wasn't yet famous. I went to high school with a kid named Michael Jordan (I swear). Imagine, you're trolling along in life, doing just fine, then some guy with your name starts tearing it up at UNC, goes pro, and becomes the biggest sports icon of our generation. I mean, how do you handle that?]

Anyway, I liked Edwards' speech, and think he's a pretty charismatic guy, as opposed to John Kerry, who is, well, less than charismatic. Many of friends have said things like, "I like Kerry better than Bush, but I don't know...Kerry seems kinda [stodgy, boring, half-dead]."

Sure, Kerry is no JFK or WJ Clinton, but c'mon - does a guy need to be "cool" to be president? For god's sake, the man is running for leader of the free world, not pledging for your fraternity or trying to get on your work softball team! As far as I'm concerned, a president needs to be smart, have integrity, and, most importantly, make it easier for me to get laid. Kerry has all these things, except for maybe that last one, but he gets some points because we all know that liberal chicks are WAY more attractive than conservative women.

But Edwards certainly delivered, standing up there all handsome and gentlemanly, promising us that they'll no longer be two Americas, that he and John Kerry will be even tougher on terrorists, that there will be no mo' tax breaks for corporations that out-source jobs, etc etc etc.

However the speech was pretty much what I expected. What I'm really looking forward to is the vice-presidential debates. Can't you just see it now? Edwards, all tan and fit (and yes, I do have a man-crush on him), standing opposite a pale and flabby Dick Cheney (blood pressure: 240/150, cholesterol level: 330), who's eating a Reuben and yelling "Fuck you!" to everyone within earshot. Now that is going to be a good time.

I should wrap it up, so let's break-down:

Edwards: dreamy

The speech: good, but expected

Cheney: loves Reubens

Edwards' daughter: I'd totally do her

[My apologies for my lack of posting yesterday. At about noon, I got hit with a project that make my head spin. Fortunately, by the end of the day I was able to turn out a sub par but sufficient product. I promise to post like 40 times today.]

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