Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
most unglorious Wednesday
Ah, Wednesday - hump day.   The day that means you're one day away from Thursday, but just far enough away from the weekend that you get so pissed off you start wishing that you would come down with some contagious disease that would get you out of work, but the disease wouldn't make you so sick that you couldn't drink beer or take drugs, and also the disease somehow made you much more attractive to women, particularly women of Asian descent, particularly women of Asian descent with gigantic fake breasts, so attractive to them that you'd have so much sex over the next few days that you would throw out all your porn, most of which you are sick of anyway, because you are having so much sex with hot Asian ladies with big boobies, when, let's face it, you're barely healthy enough for sexual activity anyway and per doctor's orders you shouldn't be having so much sex to begin with.
I don't know where that came from, but anyway - it's Wednesday.  And I've got nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  But, since if I were to skip a day I would probably be stoned to death (which is not a reflection on the fact that you all in any way need to read what I have to say about my body hair, lack of sexual activity, and masturbatory habits, but rather an indication of how bored you all are too at your places of employment, so bored that you would in fact take a life via stoning), I'll force it.  Because I love you.  And yes, in that way.  Don't play dumb - you know what I'm talking about.  So here goes:
The Onion has really pissed me off lately.  Once a guaranteed good laugh, and more importantly a guaranteed good laugh for free, The Onion has gone corporate and now has Onion Premium.  For $30, you get access to the archives and the ability to read the site 18 hours before everyone else does.  Wow - where do I sign up?  How about I give you an extra $100 for the herpes virus?  Or how about $200 for me to lay in the middle of the road while you run over my mid-section with your car?  Sure, you also get to read special "columnist homepages", but c'mon - those are by far the weakest parts of the site. 
Also, in an opportunity to increase space for advertising, The Onion (god I'm getting sick of italicizing that every fucking time) has become less user-friendly and more "click-thru."  The "News in Brief" section, which was formerly displayed on the homepage, now needs to be clicked-thru to, thus giving the powers-that-be at The Onion more ad space to sell.  Sons of bitches.
But most difficult for me to accept is not the new cost, or the shorter free material, or the new click-thru articles, but the fact that they no longer offer a "text version" of the articles, which allowed so many of us to print out the articles without all the pictures and ads and read them on the can.
This one hurts.  Part of my Wednesday ritual was printing out some stories from The Onion, heading to the bathroom, and seeing how long I could sit there before I lost all feeling in my legs.  But damn them - they've sold out, and left me reading The New York Times (wtf?) on the toilet.
Just something that I thought needed to be addressed, because many of my friends have been discussing it.
I believe, in my heart of hearts, more than anything else in the world, that my roommates and I have downloaded every last free piece of pornography on the internet.  There is simply nothing left.  I feel worst of all for my roommate Brian.  Currently in between jobs, he's spending a lot of time home alone, searching for new and exciting pornography on the internet, but there's just nothing.  The other day I came home from work and heard him softly weeping at Ben's computer, his head in his hands, his penis out, saddened by the lack of new porn.  Poor bastard.
Ten songs that I like that probably means that I am gay:
- "Building a Mystery"  Sara McLachlan
- "Lost In Your Eyes"  Debbie Gibson
- "Truly Madly Deeply"  Savage Garden
- "Save the Best for Last"  Vanessa Williams
- "How Will I Know"  Whitney "Gimme Some Pills" Houston
- "I'm Your Man"  Wham 
- "You're the Inspiration"/"Glory of Love"  Peter Cetera
- "Soldier of Love"  Donny Osmond
- "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off"  Jermaine Stewart
- "Kiss the Girl"  Little Mermaid
Man I wish the above wasn't true, but unfortunately all of those songs were taken from my I-Pod.  Please don't think less of me.
Also, I love anything that the Spice Girls, Abba, and Erasure have ever done, are doing, and will ever do.
Actually, looking at that list reminds me of when a girl I was dating in college one year for my birthday got me two cd's - Wham and Queen. 
Needless to say, we broke up.  She broke it off, and I still don't know why.  Hmmm....
I'm really feeling like I want to move to LA.  I get this every so often - I'll think about the weather out there, the women, the weather, and for about three weeks I'll seriously think that I want to move out there.  But then I realize that all that sunshine and warm weather means one thing: many, many opportunities to be shirtless in public.  So no thanks.  But if anyone has a place out there that I can crash at, I'd be more than happy to come eat all your food, use all your toilet paper, run up a huge phone bill, smoke all your dope, and watch you sleep.
Tomorrow we're actually going to learn something, and then immediately use it to make fun of our friends.  After all, what is knowledge if you can't use it to put down those you care about? 

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