Everything is wrong with me
Friday, July 02, 2004
just random rambling
My friend Jeremy wrote to me recently and said:


Stop writing about people writing to you. It's weird and boring.

- Jeremy
Well, you know what Jeremy? YOU'RE weird and boring. Seriously, we've all been talking about it behind your back, and we all agree that you are weird and boring. Also, you are cheap. We all talk about that too.

Despite Jeremy's protestations, here's an email I got about haircuts from my dear friend Brian, whose emails are so discussion-promoting that he should get co-writing credit for this site (N.B.: I have edited out his pleas for new porn videos/starlets to download):

My roommate and I got into a major discussion about haircuts the other day. I don't know if you remember this from college, but I haven't paid for a haircut since about 1994. I always cut it myself, not because it necessarily looks good, but because it looks better than any haircut I've actually paid for. However, my friend was recently at his gym when he started talking up some chick on the treadmill. Turns out she's a hairdresser at this totally gay place "Style of Man" in Manayunk and she gave him a free cut. He goes there and not only is the place swarming with smoking hot chicks, but I guess he gets a shampoo and conditioning (with the big tats in the face of course) a scalp massage (which he said made him semi-aroused), cut, blow dry, blah, blah, blah. They also tell him that in 3 weeks he can come back for a "touch up styling" for free. This place costs about $40 including a somewhat generous tip which to me is a lot of money and I'd never do it when I'm probably the best auto-barber I've ever met. Then it got me to thinking: when I go to a strip club, I'd pay more than $100 to get half this much attention from a girl who reeks of dollar store perfume and American Spirits. Am I insane? Please tell me my roommate is a douche for paying more than $7 for a haircut.
Alright, keep it real
Brian's point is valid, but I can say with 100% certainty that your roommate is still a douche for getting this haircut, not some pioneer who has figured out a new avenue of sexual entertainment.

First, I'm going to pretend that you were having a bad day at work when you spoke ill about strippers. Sure, most of them are from Eastern Europe/South America, have children (most likely by different men), and sure, they're not the classiest ladies around, but there's no need to bad mouth how they smell. The stripper performs an important function for society (namely, running up my credit card bill and getting me both happy and sad), and I simply won't stand for you attacking them like that.

Second, when you whittle it down, your roommate is still spending $40 for a haircut. The fact that he gets aroused at a hair salon is at best sad, and at worst, perverted. Sure, if it were me, I'd have to take several bathroom breaks for hand relief, but I have never been a barometer for "decent" sexual behavior.

Strip clubs are about so much more than arousal. Well, not "so much more", but "more." There's booze involved, camaraderie, the chance of getting a kick-ass story when you say to the stripper during the lap dance:

Me: "I'm a comedy writer."
Stripper: "Really? Anything I would know?"
Me: "I write for Conan O'Brien."
Stripper: [not believing for a second] "Really?"
Me: "Yup. So what's the deal - can I touch your boobs or what?"
Stripper: "I don't think so Conan."

Third, I mean, c'mon - he's still a douche. Just because you get some boobies rubbed against you and a "scalp message" doesn't mean you're not dropping the equivalent a good amount of pot, two cases of good beer, or two 5am Spanish Harlem hooker bj's on a haircut. This is just not negotiable.


Because I'm busy at work as my job squeezes all it can out of me before I leave for vacation, that's the only email I can answer. But wait - there's more!


Many, many of you (ok, so two) have written asking things like, "Oh Jason, I can't believe you're going on vacation. What am I to do? Whose crappy website will I go to, print out, and read on the can?"

I think you should take this time to read the archives. I can't believe I've been doing this for almost five months straight. Good lord. I should have been burnt out three months ago. I mean, how much can you get out of:

1) I'm fat
2) Chicks don't like me at all
3) Seriously, I'm fat
4) I love boobs

Also, you can take this time to pass on this site to everyone you know. To this end and to make it easier for you, I've written a form email that you can just copy and paste in the email to all your friends (please make it gender-appropriate):

Hello friends,

I know that I haven't spoken with some of you in a while. I know that some of us are no longer speaking. I know that I slept with one of you, but then it got weird, because [I have seen bigger penises on kittens and I just had to tell my friends about your tiny bird] or [your pubic hair reminds me of a prison brillo pad and I told all my buddies about it].

But I write to you today because I have been moved, nay, forever changed, by a man and his website, which you can find at http://everythingiswrongwithme.blogspot.com. It is the story of a man, a man like many of us, except this man has man-boobs and one time when he was on pills he fucked two homeless guys for some crackers and a Yoo-hoo. Though what he writes is at times self-aggrandizing, at times tedious and boring, and at times just plain incoherent, his use of grammar is immaculate.

Please check out this site, for the sake of your children and your children's children. And please pass it on to everyone in your address book, for your safety and mine. Because he's a pretty creepy guy and said something about "dancing naked in the ashes of [my] life." I don't know what this means, but I don't want to. So read it and pass it on. Please.

Your friend,
[your name]

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