Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, July 29, 2004
 
huge ass fucking bookshelf
I am writing this post for the sole purpose of excoriating my friend Jocelyn, who is now in Budapest, away from such modern amenities as email and anti-perspirant and thus can't defend herself.

The situation: Jason needs a bookshelf. Jocelyn's friend's boyfriend moved Tokyo and did not take his bookshelf. Jason can have the bookshelf for free if he wants, all he has to do is pick it up. Jason does want.

The conversation:
Jason: "Is the bookshelf heavy?"
Jocelyn: "No, it's not very heavy."
Jason: "How big is it?"
Jocelyn: "It's big."
Jason: "Is it bigger than you [Jocelyn is approximately 5'5"]?"
Jocelyn: "Yeah, it's bigger than me."
Jason: "Ok, I'll take it."

I enlisted the help of my friend Kyle, who has a jeep, to drive me from my apartment at 95th & 3rd across town to 47th & 9th to the apartment of the girl now living in the apartment of the boyfriend who went to Tokyo (are you with me?), who has the bookshelf.

After being buzzed in and walking up to the fifth floor, Kyle and I were greeted by Katie who showed us the bookshelf.

To put it mildly, the bookshelf was probably the largest bookshelf ever assembled in the Western Hemisphere. It nearly touched the ceiling, and when measured was nine feet tall. Simply fucking gigantic.

The result: Kyle and I could barely get it out of the apartment, making several dents in Katie's hallway while attempting to do so, and it didn't fit in Kyle's jeep, making it impossible for us to properly close the hatchback of the jeep. Quick thinkers that we are, we devised a contraption made of a shoelace and plastic bag which held Kyle's jeep hatch closed just enough for us to drive through midtown Manhattan at 8pm, amidst honks and yells of cab drivers in languages originating either in the West Indies or the subcontinent of India. Needless to say, it was a miserable experience.

The point: Jocelyn, you could have given a little more detail than just telling me the bookshelf was bigger than you. I mean, it was TWICE the size of you. Because of this lack of communication, my fat ass had to sit all crouched-up in the back of a jeep, steadying a bookshelf with one hand, and holding a fucking shoelace tied to a door in the other.

I mean, damn it. C'mon - I am WAY too fat for that kinda shit.



<< Home

Powered by Blogger