Everything is wrong with me
Friday, July 30, 2004
Friday crap
I didn't catch John Kerry's speech last night, as I was busy drinking Guinness from 6pm until midnight last night. Good times.

Of course, after I left the bar at midnight, my friend Lara, who's going away party it was, made out with something like nine people in our group of friends, including my roommate Brian and her roommate Angela. Yes, Angela.

In addition, I missed Brian falling. Apparently he fell off the stage, and fell so hard that the band actually stopped playing. I spoke to him and he said he made no attempt to brace himself, and fell very, very hard.

My timing, as usual, was excellent.

Anyway, a quick response to an email about my post yesterday about John Edwards at the DNC. My buddy Greg writes about John Edwards and his husky wife:

I had to post this question to someone. Do u feel bad for Edwards b/c he looks like some suave, good-looking politician and u know all those younger, crazed Democrats would love to do him. Meanwhile his wife is built like a fullback. I mean last night she was wearing one of those women's suits that say, "Ok, there is a lot of chub under here but let's pretend I am just big-boned." I mean the lady obviously loves BBQ pork sandwiches. I just feel bad b/c Edwards is supposed to be the "young, good-looking, energetic side of the democratic ticket", but whenever I see his wife I just picture her walking into McDonald's and being like "I'll have four #7's a 20-piece chicken and three apple pies." But, man, her daughter is hot.
It's true: she is a bear. Wednesday night was the first time I saw her, and I thought, "Is she going to announce that John Edwards can't speak because backstage she ate him, along with a giant pot of chili, a dozen balloons, a pair of scissors, and a car?"

But my man-crush on John Edwards makes me believe that he's too nice of a guy to care that his wife looks like a white, middle-aged woman version of Chubb Rock, and he loves her for giving him kids and happiness and you know, whatever else a wife gives.


A random sampling of songs you should really download:

- "Question" Old 97's
The best song about proposing ever. It just reminds me that I really need to marry the next girlfriend I get. I have the ring fund, the proposal speech, and a calling card to ask for her parents' blessing. So close, but not really.

- "Atomic" Blondie
Great song, which makes me wanna go back to those late 70's/early 80's days of glam, coke, and unprotected sex with girls with giant bushes.

- "Killing Floor" Jimi Hendrix
From the "BBC Sessions", probably the nastiest guitar intro ever.

- "Helpless" Neil Young
I used to hate Neil Young. However, last year I went to DC to record a demo with my buddy Mike Thompson (who is the most gifted musician I've ever worked with - I wished he'd just "do it" already), and my songwriting was compared to Neil Young (no lie), so I had to start liking him. However, my songwriting was also compared to Adam Sandler's on the same day of the Neil Young reference, so I guess it sort of evened out. Nevertheless, this song is pretty.

- "Instant Pleasure" Rufus Wainwright
I'm not sure if liking this song makes me gay or not, but to hell with it: I like Rufus Wainwright. And I like looking up pictures of penises on the internet. I don't care anymore.

- "She's Actin' Single (I'm Drinkin' Doubles)" Gary Stewart
Why country music rocks. His woman's a whore, so he's gonna get drunk. God bless America.

- "Getaway Car" Hall & Oates
Simply the greatest musical duo of all-time. Their latest hit makes me cry every time I hear it.

- "Mind Games" John Lennon
In college, we'd blast this song after any of the guys I lived with got in a fight with their girlfriends. For example, I'd be sitting in our common room with my roommate Bill Hansen, and we'd hear "Mind Games" blasting out of our roommate Joe's room. That would be Joe's way of making a joke about and letting us know he got in a fight with his girl. Joe's fights were typically like:

Girl: "Do you love me?"
Joe: "Yes, of course I do."
Girl: "Well I don't believe you."
Joe: "I'm telling you, I do."
Girl: "No, but do you love me?"
Joe: "I have to go."

Whereas mine were like:

Me: "I miss you."
Girl: "Yeah, I made out with two guys last night."
Me: [sullen, resigned] "Oh damn it."
Girl: "Yeah, everybody saw too."
Me: "Tell me at least they were at different points of the night?"
Girl: "No, at the same time. Well, like one right after another. Everyone was cheering."
Me: [sullen, resigned] "Oh damn it."

- I'm finally coming out of my recent Fleetwood Mac love affair, but a new cheesy band has taken a hold of me and refuses to let go: Chicago. For the neophyte, try "If You Leave Me Now", "Just You 'n' Me", and "Baby What a Big Surprise." I don't know if Peter Cetera is British, but if he is, he should be knighted. If he isn't, well, he should be knighted anyway.

For my money, it doesn't get better than my playlist of Peter Cetera/Chicago, Steve Winwood, Phil Collins, and Hall & Oates. It's a playlist that Jesus Christ Himself couldn't have crafted better, if Jesus Christ was a fan of cheesy but awesome music (last I heard, He was listening to a lot of Coldplay - how lame!).


I checked my site counter, which gives a list of words typed in to Google (or another search engine) that brought visitors to this site, and I noticed that someone typed in "jason mulgrew fat."

I mean, c'mon. You couldn't have searched "jason mulgrew blog" or "jason mulgrew wrong with me" or even just "jason mulgrew"? "Jason Mulgrew fat"? Not cool. Not cool at all.


Tonight, I'm going to a firm-sponsored open bar for all the legal assistants, welcoming the new legal assistants to the firm.

The problem: I'm no longer a legal assistant.

Still, the administration, knowing that I would have shown up at this open bar whether I got an invite or not, decided to avoid a scene and extend me an invitation.

Now I just have to explain to all the new legal assistants that I'm not actually a legal assistant, but my love of open bars brought me to the event, and no, it's not pathetic at all that I'm three years older than you, haven't worked in your department in a year, but came to get drunk anyway because it's free.

And screw you for judging me.

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