Everything is wrong with me
Friday, July 16, 2004
 
Friday crap
What the F?  It's the day before my birthday, and I'm mad busy at work.  I think that my boss knows that my birthday is this weekend, so he wants to get all the work out of me that he can, because he knows there's a very strong chance that I may not live through the weekend.  Smart man - I guess that's why he's the boss.
 
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Is anyone else really creeped out by those Six Flags-Great Adventure commercials?  The ones that feature the Uncle Junior look-alike dancing all around?  I got blasted (on marijuana cigarettes) the other night and that commercial came on and I almost lost it.  Seriously, I went to bed and was so freaked out, I actually slept with a lamp on.  I know - I'm a huge pussy, but damn those commercials are creepy.
 
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If I could do it again, my senior quote in my high school yearbook would definitely be:
 
"Everybody's got a bomb, we could all die any day,
But before I let that happen, I'll dance my life away."
                                    - Prince, "1999"
 
No other quote comes nearly as close to describing both my indefatigable love of dancing and all-consuming fear of nuclear war.  I don't know how I overlooked that one. 
 
Instead, my quotes were:
 
"All my life I've been a fat man trapped inside an obese man's body."
                                    - Homer Simpson
 
"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, 'Aw, who cares?' And then I think, 'Hey, what's for supper?'"
                                    - Jack Handy
 
Naturally, Mom was just thrilled that her son decided to immortalize himself in his senior yearbook with quotes about his weight problem. 
 
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Why am I broke?  Yesterday's expenses: dry cleaning, $45.  Nexium for heartburn resulting from abuse of body, esophagus, stomach: $28.  Medium pizza, half pepperoni: $17 
 
The best part is when I got back my prescription I asked Sanjay, the pharmacy clerk:
 
Me: "$28?  Jesus - is it cocaine?"
Sanjay: [checking prescription label] "No, it's Nexium."
 
Really?  Because I seriously thought it was cocaine. 
 
Jerkoff.
 
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Obviously, those who have asked have probably figured out that I'm not going to send the evite for the Celeganza out to any additional peeps.  The reason is that my friends and I decided against sending it to more people, because you bastards surely wouldn't reply, and we'd look like even bigger losers.  But still, the party info is in Wednesday's post, and it's supposed to start at 10pm (though most will be arriving after 11).  To those who can make it, see you there.  Possibly.  Meaning I may not be able to see that night. 
 
Also, props to Joe and Sarah who emailed me and have the same birthday.  My only hope for Joe is that really, really small pea-like testicles is not a curse upon all males born on July 17, but just me. 
 
He's promised to send me some pictures of his genitals, and after I've had my way with myself to the pics, I'll let you know the answer to that one. [too much?]
 
About the evite...we currently have 17 "no" replies.  It's interesting that about 1/3 of the "no's" I have either made out with or have tried to make out with and been rejected.  Wise women...they know by now to stay as far away from me as possible after a liter and a half of Ketel One.  
 
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Please, and I can not stress this enough, do yourselves a favor and watch "Da Ali G Show" this Sunday at 10:30pm on HBO.  One of the funniest shows on television.  Trust me - you'll love it.
 
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You know what was a terrible idea?  Me investing.  When I started work, for some reason I thought it'd be a good idea to buy some stocks.  I have no idea why - I guess I wanted an excuse to tie up some much needed money for a long, long time and lose a nice portion of it in the process. 
 
Here I am, nearly three years later, down 30%, when I could have used that money on at least two, maybe three, good nights at a strip club.  What a fucking moron. 
 
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Had this conversation with my roommate Ben about my birthday:
 
Ben: "Oh, dude, I was going to order you a birthday present, but I forgot, so forget it."
Me: [sarcastically] "Thanks dude.  What was it?"
Ben: "I was going to get you a 'Speaker City' t-shirt, from 'Old School.'"
Me: "Really?  That would have been awesome."
Ben: "Yeah, but I forgot.  But happy birthday anyway."
Me: "Great - thanks."
 
Jerkoff.




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