Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Three bands that suck
[I know that I'm going to piss some people off with this]

1) The Pixies. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I used to live with a girl (not a girlfriend - remember, it's me here) who loved the Pixies. Many people who I consider to have excellent musical taste love the Pixies. And as someone who will do anything to be considered "cool", there's not much cooler than being a fan of the Pixies, aside from banging your cocaine dealer or beating up eight ninjas at once.

But despite numerous attempts to learn to love the Pixies, I've got nothing. I think they're too weird and awful whiny, and my verdict: they suck. Sorry, but that's just how I feel.

2) The Smiths. We can argue about this until the cows come home, but if you listen to the Smiths, you have to have wanted to fuck a guy at least once in your life. You needn't have acted upon it, and you needn't have thought about it a lot, but if you like the Smiths, you at one time or another wanted to bang a dude. I will not argue about this.

I mean, have you listened to any of their songs? I tried recently to give them another shot and downloaded a bunch of their stuff. After thirty minutes of listening, I thought to myself, "Man, these guys suck. Also, I really want to blow a dude."

The Smiths stink. Bottom line.

3) Kiss. I hate this band so much that it's hard for me to write about them, since my fingers are quivering in rage. Some things:

- Has Paul Stanley come out of the closet yet? Does he even need to? Everyone pretty much knows he's gay, right?

- Gene Simmons has never had a drop of alcohol in his life. Not very rock star if you ask me.

[And yes, immediately after this I will be starting up my very own Hate League (having made fun of Paul Stanley for being gay and Gene Simmons for not drinking), where all we do is drink homemade whiskey and make fun of gay people]

- I mean, all that elaborate make-up and crap? Does anyone get this? How could anyone get this? It's a bunch of guys in costumes dancing around singing bad songs. Where in your life do you have to be to say, "Yes. This is cool. This is something I could get into - nay, this is something I could dedicate my life to."

If I had to name the biggest asshole of the past 25 years, Gene Simmons would definitely be up there. What a greedy son of a bitch and a misogynist. This is a guy who admittedly says, "If there's something we can put Kiss logo on, we will put it on there" making his group less a band more a clever marketing device. How can you tell me these guys were ever about the music when they have, according to Gene's website, Chinese real estate developments, a television cable network, a Korean DVD/CD manufacturing plant, a motion picture company, and a boxing venture in addition to endless amounts of Kiss merchandise, Gene Simmons' "Tongue" magazine, and, oh yeah, some records?

Appropriately, Gene Simmons' new album is called "Asshole", and he does a cover of Prodigy's "Firestarter." Please go to the website to watch this video. It is all at once horrible, hilarious, sad, and embarrassing. I had to pause it three times so that I could collect myself. I mean, wow.

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