Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, June 17, 2004
This morning I complained about my sty and my friend Lara said, "You know what you do? You get a wedding ring, and you make a circle around the eye three times, and it will go away."

Apparently, my friend Lara has become a witch. Or maybe she went to med school with my old doctor (see 3/5).

When I made fun of her about it, she defended it, saying it works, and that her mom told her about it and seriously, it works.

So she called her mom to ask exactly how this "cure" is performed. Her mom left her a voicemail, and Lara forwarded this message to me:

"Hi Lara, call me back, but to answer your question, the wedding ring must be gold and have no stones on it. It's important that it has no stones at all and it's gold. It has to be held in the right hand, and you have to get as close to the person with the sty as you can without touching the skin, and make three slow circles around the eye with the sty. Remember, you can't touch the skin, but get as close as you can, and do it very slowly, three times."
Um, ok. Silly me - I didn't realize that we were in Medieval England. Since we are, I have devised my own method of birth control for men, so that they no longer have to wear condoms (this will not prevent STD's, but only other people get STD's, not me):

First, you have to gather the ingredients: a jar of mild salsa, a Lhasa Apso (the longer the hair of the dog, the better), a Snickers bar, and the "Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack (Original Cast ONLY - I can not stress this enough).

Here goes: bring the Lhasa Apso into a room, curtains drawn, and split the Snickers bar with him. After you and the dog have finished the Snickers bar, start the "Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack. Do nothing until "Angel of Music" comes on. At that point, take your balls and put them in the jar of salsa. They must stay there until "All I Ask of You" is over. While your balls are in the salsa, you MUST NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE DOG. If you avert your eyes, even for a second, the whole things is ruined.

Once "All I Ask of You" is over, remove your testicles from the salsa. Say to the dog twice, "Strange, how we suffer in spite of this." Then clean the salsa off your nuts.

These steps, followed precisely, will dull your sperm and render you unable to knock up any lady. Also, if you can get an American Indian to witness the whole thing, it will bring you good luck. If no American Indians can be found, a Mexican should do the trick.

But as for the sty, apparently there's a cream you can buy, but I haven't bought this, because that would involve going to the pharmacy, and it's really humid out.

Someone who shall remain nameless wrote to me and suggested I put something called "boric acid" on my eye, but those two words are the scariest I've ever heard in my life (aside from "fat free" of course).

So my plan for the sty is to wait it out. And my plan for my new birth control method is to buy a lot of salsa this weekend.

God I fucking love salsa.

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