Everything is wrong with me
Friday, June 25, 2004
Political thoughts from an idiot
Is it me, or is this whole Iraq thing not going well? I'll be the first to admit that I don't know much about politics or war or the proper way to trim my pubic hair (apparently not everyone does it with shampoo and a warm kitchen knife), but I do read a lot of cnn.com. And every day it seems like there's another major attack or we're sending more troops or some other leader is pulling their troops out or there's a new update about Mark-Kate's "health issue" and how Ashley's canceling her Asian trip to be with her sister (I always liked Ashley better).

And this beheading thing is kinda crazy. It's gotta be a major issue for the upcoming election, and one that's pretty hard to side-step:

Voter: "Mr. Bush, what's going on with all these beheadings of Americans in Iraq?"
Bush: "Yeah, that's a son of bitch, isn't it?"
Voter: [silence]
Bush: "Well, I'd just like to go on record to say that I am against the beheadings in Iraq. My speechwriters, aides, and the other people I have around me who tell me what to say because I've never read a book, magazine, newspaper or map, have run out of ways to say, 'We will not let these terrorists steer us away from the course of true liberty for all Iraqis.' I'd like to take this opportunity to say that if these beheadings continue, they in fact will steer us away from Iraq and promoting freedom there. I'll tell you, somebody told me they were crazy over there before, but those sons of bitches are crazier than, uh...crazier than those mad cows with the mad cow disease. Have you seen those mad cows before?"
Voter: [stunned, sad, and speechless] "Um, sure."
Bush: "They're crazy, ain't they?"
Voter: "Well, yes."
Bush: "You're god damn right they are."
[twelve to fifteen seconds of silence as Bush drinks some water, fixes tie, looks content]
Bush: "Ok, who's got the next question?"

Last night, I watched Bill Clinton on "Larry King Live" and it was about five minutes into the program before I was singing Coldplay's "Warning Sign" with tears streaming down my face. Because man, do I miss Slick Willy. Remember when you had faith in the intelligence and the ability in your president, even if he did get a beejer from a fat chick? What struck me most was how inconsequential that whole episode is compared to the current state of the nation and presidency. Back then, the president getting a hummer was the biggest political scandal around. Now we have Americans getting their heads lopped off and a president whose done a pretty good job of pissing just about everyone in the world off and boy do I miss the Clinton era.

This was all perfectly timed with a meeting that my department had this morning delineating our plan in case of another terrorist attack. Not fun. They gave us all these instructions and numbers to call for updates and even conference calls, etc, as most of the people in the office sat at the table shaking. Happy Friday everybody!

You know what my plan is in the event of another terrorist attack? Freak the fuck out and shit myself. That's what I've got so far. I'll continue to work on it, but I don't know how much more I can add to the freak-out/poop-self plan.

[I promise this is the last time I write anything political. I can not promise that this will be the last time I write anything about pooping myself.]

[Have a good weekend]

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