Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, June 10, 2004
off to Boston
No post tomorrow. President Reagan has saved the day and I'm heading off to Boston. As all travel experiences are essentially consequence-free, here are some weekend goals:

1) Get blackout drunk
Chance of happening: 90%

2) Spend less than $300 total (food + booze)
Chance of happening: 40%

3) Make-out, preferably with a woman
Chance of happening: less than 5%

4) If #3 doesn't work, slow dance with a woman, preferably to the song, "A Kiss to Build a Dream On", as sung by Louis Armstrong
Chance of happening: less than 1%

5) Soil myself or my buddy Joe's apartment or myself in my buddy Joe's apartment
Chance of happening: 95%

6) Hit on my brother's friends (if he has any) to secure my "creepy older brother" reputation
Chance of happening (provided he has friends): 80%

7) Say to at least 2 attractive women: "You know, I got tested for STDs this week, and I'm totally clean."
Chance of happening: 100%

8) Then say, "I'm just kidding! I didn't get tested. I have no idea whether or not I have any STDs and to be honest, I really don't want to know! You know what I'm talking about, right?"
Chance of happening: 50% (they'll probably back away slowly after #7)

9) Say to at least 1 attractive women: "I'm sorry if I'm not acting like myself. I stopped taking my anti-depressants earlier this week, and I'm all loopy. Also, I really want to steal a car and kill a hooker. Do you ever get that feeling?"
Chance of happening: 60%

10) Fall in love and get married
Chance of happening: n/a

Have a good weekend. And remember, with every weekend that passes, you are one step closer to real responsibility and ultimately, death. So get out there and get yourself a fucking story - not for me, but for President Reagan.

Love you Ronnie.

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