Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
the NBA, Aretha, and my sty
I can not express how happy I am to see the Lakers lose. Well, scratch that, I can express how happy I am to see the Lakers lose: very.

I hate Karl Malone and Gary Payton for signing with the Lakers for a combined $6 million (when they could've gotten maybe $20 million on the market) because they thought that by doing so they'd for sure secure that elusive championship ring. What a tremendously cocky presumption, especially considering their skills have deteriorated more rapidly than my credit line at a midtown strip club (Private Eyes to be precise).

And of course, it didn't work out. I watched most of the game last night and most of the series (I've spent a lot of time alone recently with that Anna Nicole Smith FHM issue), but what I saw every time was a straight up ass-whuppin'. And I'm happy for Larry Brown for finally getting to win one, especially after putting up with Allen Iverson's insolence for six years in Philly.

But enough about this - I can't say anything here that you won't find said better on ESPN, CBS Sportsline, or a million other sports websites. So we'll move on...


Did anyone catch Detroit's own Aretha Franklin's "performance" of the national anthem prior to the game? Probably the worst lip-syncing I've ever seen in my life. Out comes poor Aretha, who looked like she had been dragged from the buffet line (at which she ate thirteen pounds of mac and cheese, $400 worth of ribs, two extra-large chocolate milkshakes, a quart of mayonnaise, a dog, and a chair) to sing along to a taped version of her singing the "Anthem."

And obviously they didn't practice this too much. It was hilarious, and I wish I had tivo'd it. Her timing was very noticeably off the whole time. For example, she was miming the "the bombs bursting in air" line while the "and the rockets red glare" was still playing through the speakers. Just really embarrassing. However, much to my chagrin, the good people at ABC had the good presence to keep the camera off her for most of it to minimize the damage.

But it was bad. Real bad.

Also, she is gigantic. Good lord. The whole time she was lip-syncing miserably, I couldn't help thinking, "My god, I wonder how many onion rings she can take down. 200? 400? I'd love to see that."


I am getting a giant sty on my left eye, which is good. It's not really a sty, but more like a colony trying to establish itself on my eyelid. It appears that they have established primitive huts and what appears to be a school or hospital already. Tomorrow, they'll probably have roads, irrigation, and a governing council of elders established.

This is great, and I really hope this sticks around for the weekend. It's not like I have enough trouble meeting women, now I have to do so with a bulbous red growth sprouting out of one eye.

Me: "Hi, I'm Jason. I'm overweight, I have no ambition, I stink at sports, I love pornography, and one time I blew a guy at a rest stop for some change for a pack of M&Ms. Also, I have this giant contagious sty. Would you like me to buy you a drink?"
Girl: [after throwing up everywhere, sprays me with pepper spray]

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