Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, June 10, 2004
my diet regimen
As of Monday, I have started a diet. It occurred to me that I will be going to the beach in less than a month, so that means I have only one month to lose 30-40 pounds and completely reshape my body. While I'm at it, it'd be nice if I could make my penis bigger by 4 to 5 inches too, bringing it up to the 6-7 inch range, but I've been trying to do that for about 16 years to no avail, so I'm not holding my breath on that one.

The problem is that I'm not a very good dieter. I may think at 3pm, "Tonight for dinner, I'm going to have the steamed chicken and broccoli from the Chinese place, some gatorade, and no dessert." At 7pm, I'll call the Chinese place: "Hi Hoan, this is Jason. How are you? I'm doing well. So yeah, I'll have the General Tso's chicken combination, with extra General Tso sauce - yeah, you can just smother it all over the rice like usual. Throw in an extra egg roll, two steamed pork buns, and you know what? Throw in a side of pork lo mein too. After all, it's almost my birthday."

After that meal, I'll beg my roommate Brian to make brownies, which he'll do, then we'll pile some vanilla ice cream on the warm brownies and put that down without a problem. Then, at about 1am, I'll get high in my bedroom by myself because I'm feeling randy and I can't sleep. After listening to Bob Dylan for about an hour and bringing myself close to tears thinking, "God damn - now this is a song. This man is a fucking songwriter! God bless him. God bless his heart", I'll head to the kitchen, where one of my roommates will invariably find me in my underwear, on my knees, eating my cold lo mein leftovers with my bare hands.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't have much will-power.

Two other diet-type problems that I have:

1) I'm not a personal trainer, but I don't think it's smart if you're trying to lose weight to reward particularly good or difficult workouts with Taco Bell. Seriously, I'll be on the bike and at 30 minutes, I'll say to myself, "Come on - just ten more minutes, and you can get the Grilled Stuft Burrito! COME ON YOU FAT BASTARD! BUR-RI-TO! BUR-RI-TO! TA-CO BELL! TA-CO BELL! PUSH CHUBBY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUSH!"

The same goes for weightlifting. Just when I think I can't lift anymore, the loud voice in my head says, "Listen here: three more reps, and we'll go to the Haagen Dazs store to get a sundae. Three more fucking reps! HAA-GEN DAZS! HAA-GEN DAZS! LET'S FUCKING DO IT! THINK OF THAT WHIPPED CREAM FAT ASS! WHIPPED CREAM! WE GON' PROTECT THIS HOUSE!"

2) It's very hard for me to differentiate what's healthy and what's not. The perfect example of this is the burrito, in its various incarnations. It's kinda hard for me to explain, but let's break it down like this:

Chicken burrito, with its chicken, cheese, rice, beans, sour cream, salsa, and guacamole = bad for you
Spinach burrito, with its spinach, cheese, rice, beans, sour cream, salsa, and guacamole = great for you

Because it has spinach instead of chicken and spinach is a vegetable, I think that a spinach burrito is a perfectly acceptable "diet" food, and I have no qualms about taking one out. Nevermind the fact that both are ensconced in cheese, sour cream, and guacamole; spinach = good for you. And spinach isn't even my favorite vegetable (I prefer french-fried potatoes, creamed corn, salsa, ketchup, and broccoli, but only if fried and/or the broccoli is covered in Cheese Whiz or a comparable cheese or cheese-product sauce in excess).

Oh, also I can drink fifty beers in a weekend without batting an eyelash. That can't be helpful with the diet thing either.

So that's the status. So far, I've gained two pounds, but I think that I'm either in a gaining cycle right now or it's just water weight. And no, those aren't stretch marks on my stomach - those are scars I got in 'Nam. In 1999. When I got in a fight with a pimp because "insufficient funds" doesn't translate well to Vietnamese and, well, I lost the fight. But I don't like talking about 'Nam, so let's change the subject.

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