Everything is wrong with me
Friday, June 25, 2004
more on our favorite judge
My friend Bob Jones, who is going to law school and I guess works at a law firm, sent me this email giving us some more info on The Masturbating Judge (which, by the way, would be an awesome name for a professional wrestler):

Hey Mulgrew,

This [judge] story was the hit of the office this afternoon.
Someone got a hold of the complaint, and the thing
with the razor wasn't, in my opinion, the nastiest
stuff in the complaint. Here's some quotes from the

a. Lisa K Foster was Judge Thompson's court reporter
for fifteen years. She first started hearing a noise
that "sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped
up" in September of 2000. Three or four months later
she noticed a space she had not noticed before where
she could see between the judge's drawed and a door on
his desk. Over the course of time, from where she sat
in her court reporter chair, Lisa Foster saw Judge
Thompson place a penis pump on his penis "maybe ten"
times during either a non-jury or a jury trial.

b. Ms. Foster saw Judge Thompson masturbate on a
number of occasions and during the course of her
employment, saw his penis fifteen to twenty times.
{This is where the penis shaving allegation goes}.
She saw him put lotion on his penis on more than one
occasion while on the bench.
i. Dianna Lynn Horath Stricklin was a minute clerk
for Judge Thompson for fifteen years and later a
deputy court clerk. She later held a second job with
her husband doing janitorial work in Judge Thompson's courtroom. ...

j. While cleaning the courtroom, Ms. Stricklin's
husband found, on more than one occasion, what he
believed to be urine in the trash can under the bench.
The cleaning responsibility later fell to Judge
Thompson's secretary, Zelma Hindman, who testified
that she found semen in the trash on more than one

There's also testimony in there about someone asking
what the pumping noise was during a trial, and the
Judge saying something like, "I don't have any idea
what you're talking about." And something else about
getting caught in his office by his secretary pumping
it and jumping up in surprise.

I just thought I'd share those with you, so you could
share them with the rest of the world.

In his defense, who doesn't put lotion on their penis at work? I do this at least three times a day. How else is it supposed to maintain its healthy glow? Really, it's not a big deal.

And as for semen in the trash can...I'm not saying I do this regularly, but where else are you going to put it after you've finished beating off at work? Should you just leave it on the floor like some kind of cretin?

I don't know who the hell these people think they are with all this judging. The guy's got a very stressful job. If he needs some occasional hand relief, well that's fine by me. All I want is for the American justice system to succeed, because everyone who knows me knows that I love and honor Justice above all else (except when women wear push-up bras).

God bless America.

(And the push-up bra)

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