Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
learning from the counter and ranch on the crotch
As I mentioned before (see 5/26), I have a counter on this site, which tells me all sorts of different things: hits per day, search words used to find this site, time zones that people view the site from, etc.

This is great for someone like me - a creepy, creepy dude. A few things worth sharing:

- I have gotten an astronomically disproportionate number of hits resulting from people searching Google (or Yahoo or MSN) for "Clay Aiken grabbing boobs" or some variation thereof. To put it in perspective, since Sunday, 13 people have searched "Jason Mulgrew" and found this site. 44 (!) have searched for Clay grabbing some titties (apparently, the tits belong to his make-up artist) and come to the site.

Jesus Christ people - you are fucking weird. Why the hell do you care about Clay Aiken grabbing boobs? Isn't he gay anyway? What the fuck?

- A few other precious search terms that brought people to the site: bushel of crabs pix, I made out with my brother, heidi klum + dog or puppy or canine, janice argyle karate and mom likes girls.

Sick people. Sick.

- We are slipping in the mountain time zone. Please, let's get the word out in the mountain time zone. For God's sake.

- Sometimes, I can get the domain name (I'm not sure if this is technically what it's called) of people who view the site. For example, say you work at Goldman Sachs. When you are on the site, it might say something like "gs.com".

However, 95% of the time this is not the case, because most people have IP addresses (again, I'm not sure if this is technically what it's called), so it just says something like "134.596.221.10".

Yet I have noticed that some people at CBS have been reading a lot of the site recently. I'm sure this is someone in the mailroom (not that there's anything wrong with working in the mailroom), but if it's not, please hire me. I'll do anything you want - handjobs, ass-play, you name it, and I'll do it better than it's ever been done before. I promise. Just hire me. Please. My email is in the upper right and I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Also, thought you all would like to know that in an uncontrollable fit of hunger I spilled ranch dressing all over my crotch while having lunch in my office.

Apparently, I thought I could apply the dressing to my sandwich with a (plastic) knife and shove some Sun Chips in my mouth with the same hand, and I dropped the knife, covered in ranch, onto my black pants directly in my genital region. Despite my best efforts to rinse it out, I have faded white blotches all over the crotch of my black pants.

There are only two other things worse to spill on your crotch: 1) bleu cheese; and 2) semen.

It's a good thing that I don't have anything to do really, aside from sitting here and sweating, watching the clock and counting down until 5:30.

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