Everything is wrong with me
Friday, June 18, 2004
Jason Mulgrew - Now STD Free!
I admit, I am a little bit of a hypochondriac. I don't know why or where this came from, but it's a pretty recent development. I had previously not been to the doctor in probably five or so years, but I finally went at the beginning of this year, and thought to myself, "You know what? I could get into this." It's really strange - I like doctors' offices. I like going to the doctor. I even, to an extent, like getting examined. There are few more satisfying feelings to me than to know that I am healthy. It is especially satisfying because I abuse my body so much and still continue to be healthy - kinda like saying, "Fuck you Death - I drink 50 beers in a good weekend, eat something with the word 'cream' in it twice per meal, and I'm still healthy! Bitch! You ain't got nothing on me!"

But my hypochondria is selective. Most hypochondriacs will take any abnormality or difference in their bodies as a symptom of some terminal illness. I don't feel this way that often. Sure, sometimes my heart will start beating very rapidly out of nowhere and I'll think to myself, "Oh my god - am I having a heart attack?", but then I'll realize that an increased heart rate is a natural response to playing with yourself in the shower (the high temperature of the water and steam also increases heart rate) and I'll just continue plugging away.

The reason why I'm not a very good hypochondriac is that when I have actual, legitimate symptoms, I don't acknowledge them or do anything about them. For about two months, I had been having heartburn every single day. It would come on in the early afternoon, and affect me in varying degrees throughout the day and evening, giving me problems sleeping (I've pretty much given up on the idea of ever sleeping normally again - more on this later).

I thought nothing of this constant heartburn. After dinner, I'd make small pain noises and rub my chest, and my roommates would say, "Um, dude, maybe you should go see a doctor? Also, could you pay us back the $700 you owe us for bills? Because we kinda need that." I'd feel the heartburn when I was out drinking, and still keep pounding those Bud Lights, vodka tonics, Tom Collinses, quarts of gasoline - you know, whatever was put in front of me.

Finally, after nearly two months, I made an appointment to see a new doctor. I hated my old doctor, because he was very disinterested and had all these mid-20's semi-attractive med students to do all his dirty work (see 5/18). Also, one time during an examination while checking in my ears, I noticed he was playing with himself. I let it slide when the time before he whispered, "$5 sucky sucky?", but this was the last straw.

So I got to my appointment, met the new doctor, and he was super cool. He started out by looking at all the new patient information I filled out in the waiting room, and said, "I know you just filled all this shit out, but I'm just going to ask you anyway - it's too early to read all this stuff."

He asked me a bunch of questions about my symptoms, checked me out, and gave me some shit for my heartburn, which has since disappeared. But, as he was checking me out, I said, "You know what? Maybe I should get an STD test."

I've been thinking about getting an STD test for some time now. I mean, for my weight class, I've been with a lot of women (I'm currently #4 in the world in the "Man, that dude is too fat to get chicks" weight class, behind some guy in China, a guy in Canada, and a Russian dude). Also, I'm turning 25 soon, so I figured it's time. In addition, I've slept with like 10 hookers, and I've heard that they can sometimes have diseases.

A few of my guy friends have had them and I've heard the horror stories, and all about the dreaded White Lightening.

When guys get tested for STDs, they get tested in three steps: a cotton swab to the mouth, a blood test, and the aforementioned White Lightening.

The cotton swab to the mouth and the blood test are simple, easy, and straight-forward. Like I said, I'm not queasy, so I don't mind needles or drawing blood.

But the White Lightening, well, that's a different story. The White Lightening is a long metal rod with a cotton swab on the end of it - kinda like a metal Q-tip. It's not terribly imposing-looking, but that tip, well, it has to go in your urethra. That's your dick hole. It's called "White Lightening" because it's got that white tip and when they put it in your pee hole, all you see is whiteness for a good three seconds.

And boy, let me tell you, that thing deserves respect. I mean, wow. I don't know if I can write about it yet, but suffice to say, it does not feel very good. I hate being a pussy and always try to hide any pain or discomfort, but there was no hiding this. I let out some really girly sigh noise or something, and then the whiteness came. The only good thing to say about it is that it's over very quickly.

My friend Teddy has a theory about the White Lightening. He believes that this actually doesn't test for anything, but rather it's a torture device designed to discourage future unprotected sex, because no one would want that White Lightening again. This gets some back-up because some guys I know just have blood tests for STDs. The reasoning behind just the blood test is that if you've never exhibited any symptoms or problems, have had few or no sexual partners in the last six months, then a blood test is all that is needed.

Like Chris Rock says, the time after you get the STD test until the time you get the results is a very scary and introspective time. You start thinking about all those sketchy girls you hooked up with in college, or on vacation in Europe, or that one time "for shits" you made out with that guy behind the White Castle just to see if you'd like it, and man - it can really freak you out.

But I am thrilled to report that I am 100% STD free. And you know what? It makes that three seconds of discomfort worth it, because I now know that I can say to any woman I meet between now and 8pm tonight when I met that guy from the internet "I am clean" and mean it. Whew!

So, let's recap for all the ladies out there:

- No STD's
- Semi-rich, or at least willing to spend large sums of money for affection
- Plays guitar
- Speaks a bunch of languages
- No major family history of disease
- Easily manipulated
- Will never be unfaithful (though not for lack of trying)
- Awesome website
- Own bathroom, with matching hand towels
- National Merit Scholar semi-finalist

- The opposite of good-looking
- Obese, or "husky"
- Racist, sexist, anti-Semitic
- Insecure, unambitious
- Insignificant sex drive
- Completely insane family
- Prone to fits of jealous rage, depression
- Have betrayed or will betray everyone close to me
- Refuse to let anyone around me be happy since I am not
- If given the chance, would trade you for some vanilla pudding in the blink of an eye

Again, I'm not asking for an answer now - just think about it.

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