Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
inappropriate dinner behavior
I am out sick today, so I don't really have the drive to write (preferring instead to download porn), but I have a quick story I wanted to tell before I forgot it.

Last night, I went to dinner at the Tribeca Grill. Many people my age are now going to fancy NYC restaurants because it's Restaurant Week, which means nice restaurants are offering prie fixed lunches for $20.12 and prie fixed dinners for $30.12 in support of NYC's bid for the 2012 Olympics. They could be supporting child labor and I'd still gladly lay down $30 for a nice steak with appetizer and dessert. Shit, one time I went to a KKK function because it was a $10 Beef and Beer night for all you could eat and drink.

But the thing is, I hate going out to dinner. I don't like the formality and uncomfortableness - I'd rather eat at home, lying on the couch, drinking out of a 64 oz. bottle of Gatorade. This way when I make my eating noises, like choking because I'm trying to stuff too much food in my mouth at once or my overly sensual moans of delight, no one is there to look at me funny or say, "Oh my goodness" under their breath.

So anyway, my friend Cheryl and I had reservations for 7:30. At about 4pm, while we were both at work, we had this conversation:

Me: "Well, since I'm going to go straight from work, I'll get there a little early for a drink beforehand."
Cheryl: "Ok - that sounds good."
Me: "Cool. I'll see you there."

So I got to the restaurant at 7 and went to make myself known to the hostess. Another reason that I don't like eating at fancy restaurants is that I feel out-classed. I never went to fancy-pants restaurants growing up, and I still feel like I don't belong there. This is especially true of last night, when I was sweating like some sort of sweat monster as I stumbled into the restaurant.

Me: "Hi, I'm half of the Cheryl McManus party. It's for 7:30 - two people."
Hostess: [she's attractive in that "I'm a NYC hostess" kind of way and I don't hear what she says but I'm too afraid to ask her to repeat herself]
Me: "Um, ok. I'll just wait outside."

I went outside thinking Cheryl would be arriving any moment, as per our conversation. The time was about 7:05pm.

Ten minutes pass, and still no sign of Cheryl. I've been pacing outside in the humidity, working myself up into an angry stupor over her tardiness.

At 7:30, the time of our reservation, there's still no sign of Cheryl, and she's not answering her cell phone. At this point, I am on fire. There are three things I can't stand: 1) tardiness, 2) heat/humidity, and 3) condoms. She's hitting two of the three magic buttons, and I'm ready to start punching cars.

I decided to check to see if Cheryl had called the hostess to let them know she'd be late.

Me: "Hi, I'm part of the Cheryl McManus reservation at 7:30."
Hostess: "Yes - would you like me to show you to your table?"
Me: "Actually, she hasn't arrived yet. Has she called you by any chance?"
Hostess: [checking over notes] "No, no I don't see anything here or any message."
Me: [completely unraveling] "God, I could just punch her in the face!!!"
Hostess: [blank, but horrified stare]
Me: "I'm sorry. I'll be outside."

I don't know why it is so difficult for me to realize that not everyone has the same sense of humor as I do. I was only kidding - I haven't hit a woman in almost four weeks, and I don't want to start that up again - and for some reason I thought the hostess would know that I was kidding, and find my joke about abusing women hysterical.

Finally, Cheryl showed up at 7:51. After complaining to her for few minutes, we went inside and the same hostess I made the inappropriate joke to awkwardly seated us. The best part is that after we were seated, Cheryl said:

Cheryl: "Geez, that hostess kinda has a bad attitude."
Me: "I know - I don't know what her problem is."

Well Cheryl, now you know why she had a bad attitude. My bad, but overall the dinner was lovely. And sorry I kept staring at your boobs, but that shirt was pretty low-cut. I hope this does not adversely affect our friendship. And if it does, well, I have no regrets.

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