Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, June 17, 2004
 
1 month to 25
Consider yourselves warned: we are exactly one month until my 25th birthday.

25 is a big year. I'll be a whole quarter of a century, or 25/27 through my life. It's a time for evaluation, but I won't get into that now. What I will get into now is possible birthday presents.

The following is a list of things that I would like for my birthday. Please work out among yourselves who's getting what.

- a giant fucking carrot cake
- a big ass bread bowl of New England Clam Chowder
- some books with pictures of boobs in them
- vodka, but good vodka
- art to decorate my room (preferably nudes)
- a portrait of myself, painted by Zito on Ludlow Street, in a 17th century Russian boyar's uniform, with a giant mastiff on my left, and a giant Reuben in my right hand
- a cheesesteak or two
- a case of black cherry soda
[this list subject to change]

Of course, there is one present that I've been asking for for years but so far I have gotten it. It is (drumroll please) a threesome.

[To clear that up, that's me with two girls. That's the only combination.]

I've always wanted this, and I don't think I'm asking for too much here. I'd like to ask my female friends to consider all the times over the years I've made them laugh, bought them drinks, given them man advice - even gotten into fights for them. And all I ask is for two of them to come to my room and let me have my way with them, only for a moment. To sweeten the deal:

1) Realizing that having a threesome with me involved is probably the least appealing sexual activity in the universe, I'm willing to provide up to $800 worth of cocaine to make this happen. I have a lot of friends who are "in the know", and this wouldn't be a problem. Rohypnol, weed, X and a multitude of other drugs can be provided with 24 hours advanced notice.

2) Honestly, the whole thing would probably last maybe 4 or 5 minutes. You're telling me you can't spend 4 or 5 minutes of your time to validate my entire existence? To completely turn my miserable life around? To make me, for at least a week, the happiest guy on the planet? Come on - stop being so damn selfish for just one second.

3) In return, I will give you one favor of your choosing. If, after the threesome, you want me to move out of the area, well, I will do it. If, after the threesome, you want me to steal a car for you, I will do it. If, after the threesome, you want me to never mention it again, well, I can't do that. But you get the point.

I'm not asking for a "yes" or "no" right now. All I'm asking for is that you all (females) think about it. I've had a few twosomes in my day and about a million onesomes, but no threesomes. This is probably going to be one of my last birthdays - won't you help make it enjoyable? For me? [Not so much you]



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