Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
two things that bother me...
1) Jessica Simpson in this month's Maxim. Jessica, you're wearing a white button down shirt and a pair of jeans. Last time you were in Maxim, you were half-naked and I was quoted as saying your photos were "the most magnificent pictures of the female body ever taken. Jesus, I have a boner." Just because you have a "career" now doesn't mean you can pile on the clothes and turn your back on your die-hard [read: pervert] fans like myself. Judas.

2) Two of the Wayans Brothers (Marlon and Damon? Edgar and Max?) have a movie coming out this summer called White Chicks, in which they play two FBI agents who go undercover as white girls. Hilarity ensues, and I try to commit suicide by stabbing myself in the neck with the straw from my 240 oz. Pepsi.

I'm not a movie snob by any means - my favorite movies are the same ones that all guys my age love: Lebowski, Rushmore, Swingers, Tombstone, Tennenbaums, Office Space, etc. But this is just too far. Too far. The sad thing is, this is probably going to make a killing at the box office.

Meanwhile, I will continue to play with myself too much and over-eat, and say things to my roommates like, "You know, maybe I should write a screen play or something?" And they will say, "Dude, do you have to eat the macaroni and cheese straight out of the pot? We have bowls you know." And I will say, "Show of hands - who here is the boss of me?" And only I will raise my hand, and thus will continue to eat my mac and cheese out of the pot, and wash it down with a nice tall cool glass of chocolate milk (and a giant piece of carrot cake).

Now I'm hungry.

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