Everything is wrong with me
Friday, May 21, 2004
random Friday morning thoughts (so bored)
Is this current gay marriage "debate" the stupidest thing of all time, or is it just me?

Does it really matter to me if two gay people get married? Either way, my life is still going to be the same: I'm still going to like to watch reality tv, play the "Superman" theme song on full volume during sex, and spend 80% of my disposable income on vodka and Budweiser.

And as far as "compromising the sanctity of marriage", I mean, do you live in the US? Everybody gets divorced! If you don't, you are officially in the minority!

Like many children of divorced parents, I can't wait to get married. This is mostly because I just want to gain a bunch of weight and let myself go completely. I've also been saving change for a engagement ring since I was about 12, and I'm pretty much going to marry the next girlfriend I have (so ladies, look out!).

But back to the gay marriage thing: doesn't all that hate (for gays and/or gay marriage) seem like a lot of work? All that yelling and standing outside and getting red in the face - wouldn't you rather just stay home and watch "The Price Is Right?" And you have to make all those signs that say, "Ain't No Gays Should Get Married Round Here" or "Gays Gettin Marryed [sic] Ain't Right!", which requires a trip to the hardware store to get paint, a paint brush, posterboard, and then you actually have to make the sign, which I imagine would take up a good part of your day, not to mention the cleaning up after making the sign.

So I don't hate anybody. Not because I don't have feelings of hatred, but because I'm just too lazy.


I didn't have any shampoo this morning in the shower, so I used a bar of soap to wash my hair. And you know what? I loved it. And I will do it again. Besides, it's common knowledge that shampoo is unnecessary and was invented by the soap people as a racket to make more money.

Too bad I figured those bastards out.


[this joke only works if you imagine Norm McDonald delivering it on SNL's "Weekend Update"]

"This just in: NASCAR has tapped NBA Hall of Famer Magic Johnson to serve as co-chairman to its newly created Executive Steering Committee for Diversity...and AIDS."


I'm wearing wool pants today, even though it's 80 degrees out. I wore them because I like them, and they actually fit, unlike most of the pants I own. With the rest of my pants, if it's quiet enough and you listen closely, you can actually hear my zipper screaming, "I...don't...think...I...can...hold...any...longer!!!"

The result: major swamp ass. Seriously - I'm about fifteen minutes from getting some paper towels to lay down on my chair. Gross, I know, but hey - I call it like I see it.


Finally, a message to the Philadelphia Flyers:

I need this. I don't have much else going on, so I would really appreciate it if you didn't blow it. I'm afraid of what might happen to myself, my friends, and my co-workers if you lose on Saturday. So don't. Please.

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