Everything is wrong with me
Friday, May 28, 2004
my upcoming weekend
This weekend I have two strange things happening:

1) I'm moving
2) My parents (and my brother) are coming

Don't get me wrong - I love my parents - but sometimes, well, they can be a lot of work.

My mom is a short, talkative, cheery woman, while my dad is a big, non-talkative, tattooed, chain-smoking guy.

I can picture us at dinner now:

Mom: "So, have you met any nice girls recently?"
Me: "Some, you know."
Mom: "Because I told you, if you wanted to invite any girls to dinner with us, you could have."
Me: "No mom, it's fine."
Mom: "You know, there are lots of nice girls at home. Why don't you just move back home?"
Me: "Mom, I'm not moving back home to meet girls. That's retarded."
Mom: "Don't say that word. It's just that you're getting old, and maybe you should find a girlfriend -
Dad: "Jase, why don't you come outside and have a cigarette with me?"
Me: "Dad, you know I don't smoke."
Dad: "Just come outside."

[go outside with dad. eight to thirteen seconds of silence, watching Dad smoke, before he speaks]

Dad: "Jase, you aren't gay, are you?"
Me: "No dad, I'm not gay."
Dad: "Because, if you are, it's not ok. Your mother will be crushed, and you'll kill your grandparents."
Me: "Dad, I'm telling you, I'm not gay. Just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I'm gay."
Dad: "You should just tell me now. I won't be ok with it, but the sooner we know the better."
Me: "Dad, look, I'm NOT gay. You know I've had girlfriends."

[more silence, this time twenty to twenty-five seconds of it, watching my dad smoke]

Dad: "What about the websites? Your mother said something about websites. Have you tried the websites?"
Me: "I'm going back in dad."

And I can't even imagine what'll be like when the bill comes.

Me: "I got it."
Dad: "Don't be retarded - I got it."
Mom: "Den, don't say that word."
Me: "No, you guys came up here and helped me move, I got it."
Dad: "Jase, I'm telling you for the last time, I got it."
Me: "Dad - "
Dad: [raising voice] "Jase, don't make me get up from this chair."
Mom: "Den, lower your voice."
Me: [raising voice] "Dad, it's non-negotiable. I have it."
Dad: "Jase, don't do this to me here."
Me: "What? What am I doing? Paying for the bill?"
Mom: "Den, is this because you asked him if he was gay?"
Dad: [pretending to be surprised] "I don't know what you're talking about."
Mom: "Did you ask him if he was gay? I told you not to ask him."
Me: "What is going on? Mom, you think I'm gay too?"
Mom: "No Jase, it's just that, you know, you're smart, and you're in New York City, and you know, people talk."
Me: "People, what people? What people talk about me being gay?"
Mom: "Let's just forget it. Den, let him pay the bill."
Dad: "Your Aunt Anne made a comment at your cousin Will's birthday party last week, and it got your mother and I to thinking."
Me: "This is retarded. [turning to brother Dennis] Dennis, tell them I'm not gay."
Dennis: "I think he's gay too."
Me: [raising hands in disgust] "Dude, what?!?"
Mom: "Alright, let's just go."

I can't say this conversation will happen verbatim, but I think I'm about 90% right.


And finally, after two years, I'm leaving the Lower East Side for the greener pastures of the Upper East Side. Like I wrote before, our new place is simply giant and marvelous and I get my own bathroom, in which I will spend at least 80% of my time.

I've never been all gung-ho about the Lower East Side, because, like I wrote before, I think the people there: a) try way too hard to be cool; b) definitely got beaten up in high school - a lot.

Still, I will miss a lot of the bars there. And some of the good, cheap restaurants.

But there are some things I won't miss, both about the LES and my apartment, like:

- being wasted and having to walk up five flights of stairs to get to my apartment;
- cool hipster "ironic Rod Stewart" haircuts;
- vintage t-shirts;
- my apartment reeking like Chinese food at all hours of the day;
- hipster sunglasses, which are usually blue or orange;
- every third person walking around with a guitar on their back;
- opening the door to my apartment in the summer and being knocked down by the intense and overwhelming heat;
- people saying, "It must be so cool to live in the LES", and me saying, "No, not really";
- meeting hipsters at bars and learning that they are either a) a graphic designer; b) a musician; or c) an actor, when really they are either a) a waiter/waitress; b) temping; or c) an administrative assistant.

But still, it's been a good run. And I think I will miss it, as much as I can "miss" anything, because that is a feeling that I am not familiar with, since I have only two real emotions: lust and hunger.

And yes, hunger is an emotion. Especially my kind of hunger.

[Have a good long weekend. I won't be posting on Monday b/c of the holiday.]

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