Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
 
movin' on up
I am on the verge of doing something that I once thought was unthinkable: moving to the Upper East Side.

I know, I know...the Upper East Side? The center of lameness, lacking of character, homogenous - I've heard it all. But there are three reasons:

1) The place is sick. I mean, really, really sick. While the common room and kitchen aren't that much bigger than my current apartment, I'd have a giant bedroom with my own bathroom. The merits of having my own bathroom can be debated, because while it is nice to not have to share the bathroom with anyone of my masturbatory-fiend roommates, I may never leave the confines of my room and bathroom, instead choosing to spend all my time with my shower running, steaming up my quarters like a Turkish sauna, complete with hairy middle-aged men (this wouldn't be too different from my current apartment).

2) The Lower East Side, for all its reputation as the hippest part of town, is beginning to seem more and more like the place where the nerdy kids from high school come to live and be "cool". Seriously, have you looked at these hipsters? You know they were getting their asses kicked in high school and ostracized in college, but all of a sudden their the toast of New York City because they have one of those "it looks like I just woke up but it actually took me forty-five minutes to do my hair" haircuts and they're graphic designers. Isn't the basic tenet of coolness "trying too hard is not cool?" Did these people not learn this along the way?

3) Did I mention the place is sick? It's got a pool, which is good if I decide to ever take my shirt off in public again (you can't keep your shirt on, because it's an indoor pool, so I can't use my old "I burn easily" excuse). It's got a healthclub, and tanning deck for me to watch women tanning and rub myself while talking dirty (to myself).

Also, it's filled with people around my age, so that means I'll have about nine "building crushes" in about a week! And that means in about a month I'll be forced to move out of the apartment because one night I got a little drunk and stood outside the door of one my building crushes and cried and masturbated for four hours!

So you see how everybody wins.

And, if anyone you know is looking for a cheap ($2000 for a 3 bedroom) apartment on the LES, email me. We're having an open house tomorrow night.



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