Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, May 20, 2004
I can't really do mailbags like I did before (well, I only did one of them). This is because it's actually more work than you think: I have to get the email, open it, read it, formulate a response - all things that make me very tired, very quickly.

Below are two emails that I got recently that I thought were particularly worthy of discussion. As (or if) I get more, I'll throw them on here.

This first one comes from loyal reader and friend of mine, Brian:

Your post today about the doctor who obviously doesn't drink was the topic of a raging argument I had with one of my roommates this weekend. Basically, there's a girl we hang out with now who only drinks waters at bars for some unexplained reason. There's several theories going around about why - mine is that she got loaded on wine coolers back when she was 17 and ended up banging the half-retarded cousin of some guy on the football team that was always at those parties in high school. The debate was this: could you, no matter how hot the chick was, date a woman who did not drink? Not just not drink a lot, but not drink at all. Think about it: you could never win an argument because "you were drinking A LOT last night", you'd always feel like an asshole at 2am when she's exhausted and bored and you've got to get a chicken sandwich at the grill down the street, every word you said from the night before (such as "I really think the time has come for me to pee on you") will be remembered, not just a garbled rendition of what was said. AND, what would you do if you both decided not to drink at all? Have you every been to a Blockbuster on a Saturday night? I did once when I had the flu and a 103 fever and I still felt like a loser. All in all, I feel there's no way you can date a sober girl, no matter how hot she may be.
I agree 100%. It's not like I have to date a girl who's a raging alcoholic akin to my Uncle Todd, but she needs to drink at least sometimes for our relationship to work. Another angle Brian didn't discuss is sex. What happens when you come home wasted at 3am looking for love, and she's been drinking Evian all night? I don't think she'd particularly like to be jackhammered for a decent six or seven minutes before you say, "I'm sorry, but I don't think it's going to happen" and roll off (not that she would like this if she was drunk, but at least that might make it a little more bearable). Also, how would you ever get her to try all sorts of kinky things that only happen in porn if she was sober all the time? I don't think the question is, "Would I ever date a sober girl?", but, "Would a sober girl ever date me?" The answer to both is, "No fucking way."

Remember: no matter how hot a girl is, you're going to get tired of fucking her. It's a fact. After that, all that's left are your common interests. Drinking is a big interest of mine. Not drinking is not. It's just not going to work.

Another reader who I will call BJ (get it - like "blow job"?) because I didn't get explicit permission to use his name wrote:

What rules apply to dating a very good looking, who has a child, but was never married? Any? The chick is very good looking, but she got pregnant when she was 22 and now has a 5 year old. Don't know how I feel about that.
Wow my friend - that is quite a dilemma. I'm not quite sure what rules apply here because a "very good looking" woman has never been attracted to me, but I can tell you that I couldn't do it. I am WAY too immature (both emotionally and genitally) to date a woman with a kid, even if she is hot. Like I said above, attraction eventually wanes, then it's just you, her, and the kid. Geez.

I think most guys, including myself, are terrified of baggage (long-term ex, coming off bad break-up, bad relationship with dad, etc), and having a kid is the ultimate baggage. I have a tough time being with a girl if I'm not the first person she's kissed, so the thought of dating a woman with a kid sends me into fits. I have nothing against kids personally: I hope to have some of my own someday, so that I can mess them up real good, and make them go to the store and buy cigarettes for me (by then I'll be smoking a lot), and use them to live vicariously through ("What's that? You're sick of paying football? Well guess what? Now you're going to be sick for real, because I'm going to put rat poison in your dinner. Now get out in that fucking yard and throw that fucking football through that tire! Don't make me hit your mother!").

I would have a different opinion if this was just a short-term or one-time arrangement/dalliance, but you used the word "date". If it was a one time thing, then awesome. If you were do to that, that'd definitely be worthy of a high-five.

I should mention a disclaimer here: I am the last person that should be shelling out advice on relationships. I mean, have you read any of this website? How desperate must one be to ask me for advice about this? Sure, if it was advice on things like, "I am looking for new ways to spice up my daily masturbation session, do you have any suggestions?" [lefty invert stranger] or "I kind of have a crush on this girl - do you know a way I can totally mess it up?" [get drunk, expose yourself to her, and shout, "You see what you're missing, Lover?"] or "I'm hoping to earn some extra cash by giving handjobs at rest stops along I-95. Can you recommend some good places for a newbie to start?" [Montvale Plaza in NJ], then sure, maybe I can help.

But love, come on. In the words of a wise Meposian man, "Don't be ridiculous."

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