Everything is wrong with me
Friday, April 02, 2004
Your dealbreakers
I am so fucking proud of you all. Some of your responses have been terrific - nay, brilliant. Here are some of them:


A deal breaker for me is when a chick refuses to drink beer and will only drink super fruity drinks. It's always great when you are going to buy a round and you ask for 6 miller lites and a Sex on the Beach. It costs as much as the 6 beers, hard as hell to carry with the rest of the round, and you know that type of girl is just going to go home and puke it up anyway. Not good times. I also hate chicks who are obsessed with dolphins and pandas.

This email really hit the nail on the head. Nothing worse than walking through the bar with your six bottles and some mysterious fruit juice-based drink. Although, speaking from personal experience, I think that they are some girls that I would be more than happy to buy the fruity drinks for. I used to hang out a lot with this girl who drank Captain Morgan & pineapple juice, but she was so incredibly hot that she could have asked me for a pint of the bartender's blood and I would have obliged [when Brian first met her, she was over at our apartment, and when she went into the kitchen, he mouthed to me the words "What is she doing here?!?"].

Whenever I need to order a fruity drink, I playfully tell the bartender (if she's attractive) "It's not for me" hoping to get a conversation going. This never works. Ever. Probably because she's knows I'm desperate and lonely and going to give her a gigantic tip whether she talks to me or not.

I would also like to add a dealbreaker along the lines of those above: girls who are really into that "Hello Kitty" shit. I mean, what the fuck is that all about?


Another guy offered two incredible dealbreaker stories. The first:

This year I was sort of seeing this girl who was borderline average. So we're hooking up and she says: "I want to have sex with you but I have a rule that I will only have sex with three people in my life and I've already had sex with one." Anyway, I guess I was in the running for the number 2 spot and that completely freaked me out and particularly so because she actually said in a faux sexy voice in my ear: "I want you to be number 2". First, never refer to me as "number 2". Second, gross. Long story short, we ended up watching a repeat of college gameday before I passed out.

Wow. That's freaky, but I think that for me their are only two things a girl could say in that situation that would prevent from sleeping with her: 1) "I have, like, eight STD's" or 2) "I really want you to give me a baby."

His other story:

In high school I took this hot Indian girl my friend set me up with to our homecoming dance. Anyway, at the time I had an obscene quest to "Do the rainbow" - I don't know if you're familiar with this, but it requires at least some form of sex with every ethnicity. Anyway, I'm driving this girl home and she's telling me what a great dancer I am and how awesome my dad's Buick Century is, blah, blah. We get to her neighborhood and I say "Where do you live.. in the projects?" She then says "Sort of." What? Turns out she lived in one of those no-tell motels in the absolute middle of one of the worst housing projects in the midwest. It was the first time I ever walked a girl to her front door after a date and was not petrified about the impending good night kiss. Now I'm a Democrat and no one hates rich people more than me, but a girl living in a projects motel was just too much for me to handle way back in 1996. We never spoke again even though I was a desperate virgin and she was actually really hot. Today, I would go to the projects of Tikrit if it meant I could have sex with a hot, 17-year-old Indian girl.

Again, no words. None. I would like to say a big thank you for giving me one of the best terms ever: "Do the Rainbow." So ladies, if you are not white and interested in helping a down on his luck guy out in this, please email. We can construe "sex act" to include "making out", lest you catch anything that won't go away (if you catch my drift).


Many offered particular dealbreakers. For example, one girl wrote that she "can't date guys who are shorter or weight less than [her]" and she finds it a turn-off if a guy can't drive stick. An ex of mine felt this same way, and never hesitated to bring this up to me, as I can't drive stick. In my defense - I grew up in the city in Philly. Would you learn how to drive stick if you grew up in the East Village? I don't think so.

Another girl listed "long, black leather jackets" on guys as a dealbreaker. Another said: "I can't date a guy who drinks cosmos. There is nothing more feminine to 1) hold, 2) order, or 3) drink." I don't blame her - cosmos? Come on now.

"Nantucket Reds" was listed by one guy, and that's one I definitely agree with (if you don't know what they are, check out www.nantucketreds.com/). Others listed, "people who aren't into foreign food", "facial piercings", and "stupid tattoos on girls" (he added, "only sketchy guys should have really bad tattoos all over the place" - true, very true).


Thanks for such a good response, and if there's any topic that comes to mind that you think I should write about or any question I should answer, send an email to eiwwm@lycos.com.

[See, instead of saying, "Look, I've got very little left in the tank here, and I'm really running out of stuff to talk about - can you mother fuckers help or what?", I said what's above instead. I guess that's what that whole "college" thing taught me.]

Have a good weekend.

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