Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
 
three things
1) The applesauce carrot cake from Dean & DeLuca is orgasm-inducingly good. Seriously. While finishing the last of it last night, I was secretly hoping that next time I go to the doctor, he'd tell me I have some terminal illness, so that I can spend the rest of my short life eating this cake every single day. My birthday is July 17 - you have been warned.

2) Last night I watched a show called "Land of the Lost Monsters" on Animal Planet and for two hours I don't think I blinked, let alone moved. I was completely engrossed by its awesomeness. I became sad because we don't really have any cool monsters today, like the Short-Faced Bear or the Sabretooth of the past, but then I realized that this is a good thing, so I made a sandwich to celebrate. I love Animal Planet, the Discovery Channel, the History Channel, etc and I always have. The fondest memory I have of my last serious ex-girlfriend is a night when I was visiting her in her home town and we stayed in, drank wine, and watched a two hour show on the Discovery Channel about Neanderthals. Sure, this probably has more to do with the wine and the Neanderthals than the girl because she turned out to be a harpy whore succubus, but still it's worth mentioning.

3) On Monday night, my roommate Brian and I watched something on PBS that damn near changed our lives. It's called "Kosher Sex", by the Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Basically, this Rabbi stood in front of an audience for two hours and talked about the death of intimacy in this day and age, peppering the talk with classic Jewish jokes, idiosyncrasies, and anecdotes. It was unintentionally hilarious, almost as hilarious as the name "Shmuley", a name so wonderful it makes me want to have a child or get a dog immediately so that I can name it "Shmuley." In addition to "Kosher Sex", Rabbi Shmuley also has a book (and talk) called "Kosher Adultery", this being the first time those two words were juxtaposed. This expounds on the Chris Rock bit about sex in relationships: "If it ain't new, it's through." Fascinating stuff, but only because of Shmuley's awesomeness. Since then, anytime Brian or I have done anything cool, we say "Shmuley." For example:

Me: "So I fingerblasted that girl from last night."
Brian: "Shmuley."

[This example is of course fictional. Now let's try a real-life example.]

Me: "So I had six hot dogs for lunch."
Brian: "Shmuley."

To learn more about Shmuley, you can check him out at, of course, www.shmuley.com



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