Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
subway games
Though my commute to work is short, I like to play different games on the subway to pass the time while I rock out on my I-Pod (my latest downloads range from Jefferson Starship's "We Built This City" to Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out" - both excellent songs). Here are three such subway games:

1) The "How Many People In This Subway Car Would I Have Sex With" Game. I have written before about how I would have sex with pretty much anyone, barring major physical deformity (and I'm talking major here - not like an extra finger, but like an extra head that just sort of sits there on the shoulder and stares blankly ahead and doesn't move). But the J-M-Z has got to be the ugliest train in all of New York. The highest I've ever had is five. That's ever. Normally, in any thirty-second span on a Saturday afternoon in Soho I can find at least twenty women that I'd have sex with. Is it too much to ask for some attractive women on my subway, so I can imagine taking them to a nice romantic pasta dinner, and then out for a few martinis, and then back to my apartment, where we put on some pornos and act out the different scenes, except she's the guy in the porno and I'm the woman? I mean, really - is that too much?

2) The "How Many People Here Are Cross-Eyed" Game. This game isn't limited to the subway car - it can include anyone you run into in the station or encounter on your way to work. My personal best is four, which, if you think about it, is a lot of fucking cross-eyed people to come across in a thirty-minute commute to work. I don't know...I've always been fascinated by cross-eyed people, because others can be so uncomfortable looking at them ("which eye do I look at? the good one? the crazy one? damn it!"). And the cross-eyed person has to be thinking to himself, "Well, he can't tell which one of my eyes to look at - my good one, or my crazy one. Wow, look at him - he's really starting to squirm and sweat! This is awesome." Fortunately, I've built up a tolerance for this, as one of my best friends in high school was cross-eyed, and I'd like to thank him for making me that much stronger of a person.

3) The "How Many People In The Subway Car Are in Worse Shape Than Me" Game. There are a few rules here: the contestants have to be men and relatively the same age as me (anywhere from 20 to 35). Also, any people who are obviously crazy do not count. For example, the guy I saw pick his nose and eat it this morning can't be in the competition (this is true, and I almost started wretching right there on the subway). In this game, I find that very few people who meet above criteria are in worse shape than me; my high is three. I try not to play this game too often, because it just gets me depressed and we all know where that leads: straight to Burger King.

I'm constantly looking to invent new games to pass the time, so if I come up with anything more, I'll be sure to let you know.

Like you fucking care.

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