Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
my diet
From the “Why I Am Single” File, I present to you Reason #142: My Diet for Monday, April 19.

Before I go into great detail here, I should explain that yesterday was a rough day. I usually wake up at 8am for work, but yesterday after a crappy night of restless post-hangover sleep I woke up at 5am and couldn’t fall back asleep (thank you again Doctor for prescribing those sleeping pills - dick). At about 7am, I thought to myself, “Why don’t we get up, and have a leisurely getting ready time – take a nice, long shower, beat off at least once, and make a big, delicious breakfast.”

Of course, as soon as I finished that thought I fell into the deepest sleep I’ve had in weeks, only to be jarred awake one hour later by NPR blasting out of my alarm clock/radio. Why not, right? Why not have god fuck me over again, on a Monday morning, like it’s not hard enough to get myself out of bed already, so I can spend the day moping around my office in a zombie-like trance and then come home and lay on the couch for four hours wondering when (or more damningly, if) I will ever see boobies again without having to pay for it or it be an accident or it be on television or some other form of media?

Fucking A, man.

- Strawberry Banana Smoothie

I could have done a lot worse here. Usually when I have a rough morning I try to turn it around with a sausage, egg, and cheese croissant and hash browns from Burger King, and wash those down with a Yoo-hoo.

God, I fucking love Yoo-hoo. And, really, I don’t think I can be friends with anyone who doesn’t. Fucking communists.

So far, so good.

- Ham, fresh mozzarella, and honey mustard wrap with low-fat Ranch dressing
- Sun chips
- Snickers bar
- Water

While this isn’t a “diet” lunch, lunch is usually my biggest meal of the day between breakfast and dinner. And though the sandwich may sound disgusting, trust me – it’s not.

I’ve been reading this book called Candyfreak by that guy Steve Almond that I talked about before (3/30), and I’ve gone from someone who rarely eats chocolate to someone who can’t stop thinking about chocolate ALL THE TIME. Seriously, it’s a great book and a very fascinating read, but it’s probably the worst thing I could have read now that I’m on my “Dude, if you ever want to get laid again, you’re gonna have to ease up on the ‘dessert with every meal’ plan and do something about the hair all over your body, because it’s starting to connect everywhere, so much so that you look like a giant piece of velcro” diet/lifestyle.

- BBQ chicken wrap with non-fat cheese and “carb-conscious” BBQ sauce
- Half a bag of “Wow” Tostitos
- Half a can of Ranch dip
- 2 chocolate chip cookies
- Half a jar of applesauce
- Reese’s “Fast Break” candy bar
- 32 oz. “Citrico” Gatorade

And the wheels have come off. I don’t know when exactly I lost control of the situation, but I do remember at one point rationalizing eating the applesauce by thinking, “Applesauce helps with digestion.” This follows the logic of one of the Mulgrew Maxims of Eating: “It’s ok to eat a lot when you’re drunk at 4am, because the more you eat, the less hungover you will be” – thus the eater obtains a benefit from poor eating habits and everyone walks away a winner. I’m just glad I got the “carb-conscious” BBQ sauce, because god forbid I have too many carbs. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if that were to happen.

I don’t even know why I went to the gym yesterday, or why I go to the gym at all. I think from now on I’ll just bring food to the gym and eat while exercising, in the hope that my caloric intake will be burnt off as it is consumed while I’m on the treadmill. Or I’ll choke to death and save myself and everyone else the aggravation. Either way, it sounds like a better idea that what I have going now.

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