Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, April 01, 2004
 
make-out mix
Since I don't have a girlfriend or any hobbies or much to do with my time besides, well, this, I have taken upon myself a task that has become, over time, my holy grail: to assemble The Greatest Make-Out Mix in the History of All-Time and Civilization (Both Eastern and Western).

Now hear this: I half-ass everything. The story of my life is the story of starting and never finishing. I lose interest in everything quickly (books, tv shows, women, friends, etc). But this - this has become an obsession. The title says it all, and I do not take it lightly - I want to make The Greatest Make-Out Mix in the History of All-Time and Civilization (Both Eastern and Western). I want to make something so sure fire that you'd have to have a seizure or poop your pants not to score when it's playing. I want to make something so powerful that no woman, no matter how sober, can resist it. I want this to be the mix that Jesus would have put on, if he had tried to get laid.

I concede freely that any jerkoff with internet access can make a make-out mix. It's not hard to put "Out of Nothing at All" or "Crash" or "Lady in Red" on a cd. But the trick behind a truly great make-out mix is that it can not be obvious that it is just that: a make-out mix. If you have a special lady friend back at your place and you put on "All I Want Is You", she's going to know that 1) you are trying to get in her pants; 2) you are lame and unoriginal; and 3) you probably have an STD.

The Greatest Make-Out Mix in the History of All-Time and Civilization (Both Eastern and Western) is not based around such corny, obvious, and hokey songs. Instead, its aim is to establish a relaxing and subtly suggestive mood, which, when enhanced with alcohol or, if available, rohypnol, will increase your chances of seeing, and possibly even feeling, some boobies.

This past week has been monumental in the development of The Greatest Make-Out Mix in the History of All-Time and Civilization (Both Eastern and Western) (one note: this mix is on my I-Pod, so there is no limit on how many songs can be on it). It's not nearly complete (indeed, I don't know if it can every be complete), but we are definitely on the right track. I can't share with you the track list, but if you'd like some suggestions for your own make-out mixes, try songs by the Velvet Underground, Nick Drake, and Yo La Tengo. Their work in this field has been spectacular. Some songs sound as though Lou Reed said to himself before he wrote them, "You know, that chubby bastard Jason needs all the help he can to get laid, so I'm going to write a song for his make-out mix. The pathetic bastard."

I'll continue to work toward this goal and in doing so keep you apprised of any developments. But, needless to say, I am very excited about this.

Now all I need to do is find a girl willing to come to my apartment (a girl who is NOT delivering $16 worth of lo mein and egg rolls).

Hmm....that might be a problem.



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