Everything is wrong with me
Monday, April 12, 2004
Easter dinner
Though I went home to Philly for the weekend, I had Easter dinner at my friend's place here in NYC.

And though the word "ruined" is being bandied about, I don't think I "ruined" the dinner. I admit that I did not, in any way, make a positive contribution to the evening, but to say that everything that was good was lost because of me, well, that's a little strong.

This is all because of one little joke that I told after the dinner. I knew it was inappropriate, but my buddy in Philly told me it, and I was dying to get it out. So while eating dessert, I turned to my roommate Brian (who was sitting next to me) and quietly told him the joke. As these things usually go, he started cracking up, everyone was asking what was so funny, I said I couldn't tell them the joke because it was too dirty, they begged for it, and I told it:

Q: What's the difference between your girlfriend and your refrigerator?
A: Your refrigerator doesn't make a fart noise when you pull your meat out.

Now, I know this isn't an appropriate joke to tell at a semi-formal dinner with mixed company. I was not alone in this: the girl who is a Bryn Mawr graduate and the girl who's currently getting her graduate degree in gender studies didn't think it was appropriate either. But, in my defense: 1) I warned them, and made it very clear that it was not an appropriate joke and that I did not want to tell it; and 2) it's just a joke - get over it. Since the offended couldn't get over it, we had to spend the rest of the evening in awkward conversation, that, thank god, finally came to an end because we had to get home to watch the Sopranos.

As if the joke wasn't enough, I had to steal back some of the donuts I had brought for the dinner. Let me explain.

I was running late for the dinner because my train from Philly to NYC was delayed. While on the train, it occurred to me that I should probably bring something to this dinner, because I guess that's just what people do. So at Penn Station I decided to pick up a dozen Krispy Kremes. Sure, not your typical dessert, but who doesn't like Krispy Kremes?

But when I got to the dinner, I learned that they had already had a dessert. I thought, "Sweet - more for me to take home!" However, since the joke made the night really awkward, I felt it would be even more of a faux pas for me to nonchalantly leave with the donuts at the end of the evening.

So, like the Fat McGyver, I devised an ingenious plan to rescue some of those donuts. I went into the kitchen and turned on the faucet to give the appearance that I was doing the dishes (the kitchen is around the corner from the living room, so no one could actually see what I was doing). I then sniffed out some sandwich bags, and put three donuts in them. I needed a diversion to get the donuts into my jacket which was in the living room, so I yelled, "Holy shit that chick is naked!" (the kitchen window and the living room windows have the same view). That gave me all the time I needed to successfully put the donuts in my jacket, and they were none the wiser.

I don't know what I should be more alarmed about: the fact that I went to such lengths to (essentially) steal donuts, or the fact that I am proud of being so smart to think of such an elaborate plan to (essentially) steal donuts.

Either way, I still hate Easter.

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